I'd just finished my latest shortfilm and was feeling quite proud of myself.
AND for the first time EVER, I also finished the accompanying blog to go with it! (see both by clicking here)
When this film went viral, I wanted to be ready to capitalise on it!! Me? Smug??
I was just about to go global, I think I was handling it pretty well all things considered.
Sure, it wasn't the best shortfilm in the world, but youtube is full of worse shit than that, and that shit gets millions of views.. So why couldn't my shit do the same?
I was also very proud of myself just for having been able to finish the damn thing! I missed the deadline of a previous short film competition because I couldn't complete it. But instead of letting it rot on the shelf, unfinished, I managed to persevere and finish what I started.
By now, it was the small hours of the morning (it always is when I go to bed), so before I hit the hay, I posted a link to my film on Facebook and Twitter and excitedly went to bed, daydreaming about my impending success, and the possibilities of going viral.
I woke up early the next.. um.. afternoon and immediately hit the computer.
I couldn't believe it!!
I had the most Facebook notifications.. EVER!!
I felt so popular! FINALLY!!
My Facebook was practically a sea of red!!
(That's a joke kids. The most notifications I ever got was.. eleven)
I eagerly scanned through the notifications, expecting comments relating to my video and how awesome it was.. But instead it was practically ALL relating to randoms I don't know, commenting on photos that had also been commented on by me.
Don't you just hate it when that happens?
Damn Facebook. Getting my hopes up and then dashing them all in the same notification.
Maybe better luck on Twitter then??
Sorry, private joke for all us nobodies on Twitter.
'..better luck on Twitter'??
Ah. Good one.
Sorry. For those of you NOT on Twitter (wise mother truckers that you are), it's basically like this..
No one talks to you.. EVER!!
..Or is that just me??
Anyway, expecting better luck from Twitter was a sign of how desperate my situation was becoming.
So I hit up Youtube.. and there were like 8 views of my shortfilm, zero 'likes' and zero 'shares'. Not exactly going viral then. Haha.
I checked my emails and.. and there was a message via my website!
It was from a really talented filmmaker/animator that I'd chatted to a few times on Twitter (ok, so occasionally people chat to you on Twitter.. but it's like, a rarity. Mostly people just tweet and no one responds.. or is that just me again?).
I really admired her work and it was obvious she was a rising star, already having been short-listed in the largest shortfilm competition in the UK!!
'Hello Nish' (That's me)
'saw your latest blog post and short film and felt the need to write you an email.'
Aww. How sweet.
'Your recent film is very typical of a student and I personally wouldn't have bothered finishing it.'
'You seem to lack imagination when you need it most.'
I lack... imagination??
The king of creativity, the master of making shit up, the daddy of delusions, the Nish of Nish..
I lack imagination??
It got worse.
'Before you think about entering festivals, why not focus purely on making better content?
Lets be honest your work isn't very good. It's not very watchable.
...It's so easy for people to share content these days so why aren't people sharing your work?'
My work isn't very good, and the reason people don't share it.. is because it isn't very good. So simple, and yet so true.
I always thought the reason people didn't 'like' or 'share' my work was because they're all son's of bitches, but this argument made a lot more sense.
No matter how much I scream and shout and cajole and bribe people to like my stuff or share it, no one EVER does...
'You try to promote everything you do. It's a shame it isn't that good.
..better to focus on one brilliant piece of work and spend time promoting that, than several lame videos that no one wants to watch.'
I DO promote everything I do.. and none of it is any good?
Kids, imagine how I felt.
I'm very nearly an old man by now, I've squandered my life chasing a foolish dream, suffered for it, missed out on all life's pleasures.. but the one indisputable fact I held onto, despite decades without success, was that I had talent.
I had something; something unique, something it was my duty to pursue...
It never entered my mind that the reason success was so elusive was because, actually, I had zero talent, and was frankly, shit at what I did.
I mean, I went to bed all excited, woke up expectantly, like a giddy school kid on Christmas morning, only to be slapped in the face with the cold hard reality that Christmas is just a corporate invention to get people to buy tonnes of shit, and father Christmas is a creation of the Coca Cola company.
I felt the blood drain from my body as my over excited stupor was transformed to a desperate sense of
'What the F**k have I wasted my life on??'
Nothing I produce gets watched, liked or shared, not because I'm not promoting it heavily enough, but because it's f**king SHIT!!!!
I mean to be fair to this rising star of the film/animation world, she took the time to write me a really long email and it was FULL of really good advice and a critique of where I was going wrong and suggestions on where I could improve.
She didn't have to do that, and I'm REALLY appreciative of the fact she did.
But the lines that I dwelled on were the ones I just quoted.
They rang in my mind for days, like the sound of an alarm as you desperately try to cling on to the blanket of sleep.
I felt like such a fool.
Like one of those deluded contestants on X-Factor, auditioning for the opportunity of a lifetime, convinced of their own greatness but meanwhile to everyone else, they're just a joke. Only they don't know it. They don't know how shit they really are, and the fact that they think they're so good only makes it more funny.
Was I the same as one of those X-Factor jokes?
Proudly producing leaflets and postcards, T-shirts that adorned my face. Stamping my logo and web address everywhere I go and begging people to like my Facebook page.
No wonder I was always greeted with resistance wherever I went.
No wonder everyone (but the precious few) ignored my pleas.
Behind the Emperor's new clothes, there lay nothing. It was all just pomp and decoration.
I lacked the skills and nothing I've ever done has been any good.
I'm not one to feel sorry for myself and immediately my gut wanted to react!
I discussed the matter with my friends, hoping for some reassuring dissent, but instead they told me that everyone needs a dose of reality from time to time.
Everyone, including me, thought that I needed to use this as an incentive to come back stronger.
So I got to thinking..
I already had some great shortfilm ideas, why hadn't I made them yet?
What was I waiting for??
I wanted to come back hard and fast.
Make my best short ever and post it online within that same week.
I knew this talented Australian actress (she was actually our waitress from a few months earlier, but her being pretty and me being opportunistic, we got chatting) and we wanted to collaborate on something. We even discussed ideas, but then she did that whole 'actor thing'. You know, where they keep making plans and then cancel on you at the last possible minute. In the end I told her I'd pursue the idea without her. She wasn't too pleased, but hey, don't piss off the director.
Anyway, I got back in touch with her (she was talented after all) and we met up a few days later..
She basically told me she had tonnes of other stuff on and insinuated that I just wanted to probe her mind for ideas.. again. Haha. It's called 'collaborating'. Jeez.
So now I had this awesome idea, and no actress.
Luckily in this town, there's no shortage of acting talent.
But it did give me time to pause.
Was this my best idea?
If I could only make one more film in my life, would this be it?
A month has passed since I received that email.
My response has been mute.
The indignation, the fire in my belly, the desire to show the world that I am somebody has.. reduced.
Did I come back stronger?
Too much time spent dreaming rather than doing.
Too much time chasing chick's that aren't interested, aren't worth it, or in most cases, both.
Back to my old ways of wasting my days, procrastinating and generally letting life slip through my fingers without ever tasting any of the best of what it has to offer...
On Saturday I braved the farthest reaches of London's East End to attend the MCM Expo (a massive gathering of film, video game & animé.. stuff). My ego had recovered and instead of producing something amazing to wow the crowds, I was instead planning my greatest marketing blitz so far. It seemed I had learned nothing.
Armed with hundreds of promotional postcards, I assaulted the masses and took the place by storm.. by very politely and nervously handing out postcards and asking people if I could give them one. Some declined but most were decent enough to accept my offering.
I was promoting my film 'The Man That Killed The World' explaining to people that I was trying to spread the word and build up interest.
Most seemed interested, surprisingly.
I asked them to check out my website and if they liked what I was doing, to like my Facebook page (the desperation to be 'liked' crept back in too).
Later I handed out postcards with my Valentine's day artwork on it.
In all, I must've handed out 120 odd postcards?
I still had plenty left, but the thing closed at 6pm, and we got there at 4:30pm (the tube was seriously MESSED UP on Saturday!!! ..And before that, we were already running late). I never really got to enjoy the event but did manage to get rid of a lot of promotional material.
Later, we hit the familiar piss filled streets of the West End and partied. Hard.
I chatted to a tonne of chicks and had a damn good time. Standard.
But nothing much beyond that. I handed my card to a few of them.. and managed to catch one of them showing it to her friends, after which they all had a good laugh! Haha.
What's the matter? Never seen a business card with a handsome head shot on it before??
But what do you expect with someone from Brisbane?
I woke up to another dark 'n dreary Sunday afternoon and monitored my website.
Despite the blitz, there was no new traffic to my site and not even one new like on my Facebook page.
Instead of spending my money on all that promotional material, it would've been more effective if I just gave each person a quid and asked them for a favour.
None of those chicks I chatted to got back to me either, but that was expected.
Unless you leave with a number, you're leaving with nothing. Chicks very rarely make first contact, and if they do, it's after you've already 'connected'.
Working hard and getting nowhere.
Fighting the current instead of letting it drag me to the way of the world...
Forever swimming on the spot as others race by in their luxury yachts.
I'm now well into my thirties and if you told me back when I was twenty one that this is what my life would be, I'd probably hit you. I definitely wouldn't have believed you. It would be unfathomable to the man I had just become that this is the man I would end up being.
Mine was meant to be the road to the high life, not the path to the gutter.
It is an unrequited life. A life of longing, of writing and of drawing...
Money is a constant source of anxiety.
What little money I can leverage away from the banks (HSBC bought the deeds to my soul back when I was a student, providing me with a steady stream of credit at an extortionate rate) I spend on repaying the debts I already owe, on promotion no one wants to see and on taking out girls who don't appreciate the effort.
Everything else goes on the essentials of living:
Great nights out, celebratory gifts for others.. and face wash.
Don't worry Daily Mail readers, I'm not on the dole.
Thank God for my Indian parents. If it wasn't for their hard fought generosity (they've been battling my ideals every step of the way), I'd have died on the streets many moons ago.. or just, y'know, got a regular job.
I do as I please, every single day, but that feeling that I'm missing out on life never subsides.
You can reconcile the loss of holidays abroad, of not having the latest gadgets or fashionable clothes.. even not having a roof over your head that you can call your own.
There are greater adventures to be had in life. Adventures that take you to dizzying highs and sickening lows, all without leaving the comfort of your chair.
One cannot reconcile having tasted little in life and also never having tasted that.
I've walked this Earth for over thirty years and the only love I've ever known has come from my parents and my siblings.
They say that to get love you have to be willing to give love first. It speaks of the coldness of my heart that I haven't ever been willing to give love, nor tasted the warmth of receiving it.
The words of the Dean Martin song echo through my mind in a constant loop.
Something's wrong with this picture. Something's wrong with this lifestyle. Something's definitely wrong with this man.
I've had enough.
Enough of dreaming.
Enough of chasing.
Enough of putting a brave face on it.
It's in my hands.
Time for these hands to reveal their worth.
I just want to disappear for a while.
Hide away and go into hibernation, instead of constantly screaming 'Look at me! Like my Facebook page!' like some attention seeking child.
What to do I get out of it anyway?
Not a damn thing.
What difference does it make if I have an audience of one or one million?
Forever bribing people to like me with my wit.
The car crash happening in slow motion for all to see, as they go about their busy lives and make something of themselves.. as I slide ever downwards into the thick deluge of bullshit that has become my life.
This isn't the way my life was supposed to be.
Once upon a time, when no one knew who I was, I showed promise. I had potential. It's time for me to get back on that path.
I won't dwell on my situation, but I will ask the question:
'What do I have to do right now to have the life I want?'
Focus on that.
Re-appear only when I become someone.
When I've done something worth shouting about.
Until then, no more blogs.
No more cringe-worthy self promotion.
No more desperate pleas to be 'liked'.
No more pursuing unsuitable women and then feeling like shit afterwards.
Simply, no more.
The website, the Facebook page and the Twitter will all still be there, but I won't be updating them.
This is my final blog.
I will return.
'Til then, my grateful thanks to the precious few that showed they cared.
It will always mean a lot.
Yes, I've used this image before, but it STILL rings true.. and I really can't be bothered to draw right now.. so gimme a break!! Jeez. U cranky mo-fo.. ;)
It's like my old middle school teacher, Mrs Goodman, always used to say.
“Nothing wrong ever turns out right.”
Never was this more true than in the field of relationships and more specifically.. CRAZY-ASS BITCHES!!
It's like my radar is set to 'Bitch' or something, 'cos that's all I seem to find!
No. That's not true.
I also seem to find plenty of the 'I got a man' variety of chicks too. But as I don't dabble in chicks that are spoken for, all I'm left with are the bitches. Not that I know that when I'm 'wooing' them.. or maybe I do, but don't care.
I dunno man. I think I've got commitment issues.
I've been on a 30 day rolling contract on my mobile phone for over 5 years!! I can't commit to a long-term contract upfront.. even though I haven't cheated on my phone in all that time!!
Maybe it's because of this that I sub-consciously pursue women that I know are no good for me?
Who's the shrink in the house??
I'm onto something right??
What d'ya mean it's all about 'Mummy' issues?!
Ah, you fcukers say that about EVERYTHING!!
I won't go into specifics, because afterall, I'm still a gentleman. BUT!
As we all know, bitches be bitches, and even a man of my vast VAST experience in the field of Biatchification, can still be left nursing his wounds.. as I am now.
Kids, take it from your uncle Nish, find a good girl when you're in nursery and then just stick with her until you both kick the bucket, because being a singleton searching for something 'meaningful' when you're over the age of 12 is NOT for the faint hearted. (I overheard a 13 year old girl on the nightbus the other night talking about her 'past' ..SHOCKING! But then she was from East London, so what do you expect?!)
Okay, so here we go.
Should I really be telling this story??
I mean, I still like the chick in question.. But, then again, I do owe you, my loyal reader (you know who you are.. Mum) the benefit of my experience.. you know, so you don't repeat my mistakes (even though you've been married to Dad for like 37 years!).
Okay, so a quick disclaimer before I offend anyone. The use of the word 'Bitch' to describe bitches is purely for entertainment and comical purposes. I HONESTLY don't mean to offend anyone, least of all any bitches, I mean women.
It's a well known fact that I LOVE women. I dig 'em y'know. BIG TIME!
Some of my best mates and the people I loves to hang out with most are chicks.. and they get a good giggle out of my misadventures.. so as we're all friends here, I'll continue.
Right. So I meet this chick. STUNNING! (They always are)
But like every chick that I've ever had a good time with, she doesn't dig on me straight away.
I've danced this dance a few times, so I keep on dancing, knowing that eventually she'll dance to my tune.
I figure it's so rare for me to really like a chick these days that it's worth persevering (I won't lie to you, I still date chicks during this time, but never pursue anyone).
This stunning girl remains elusive, but we have a laugh on the text messages. She's one of the few chick's that crack me the hell up.. and she's fit as hell! So naturally, I hang in there..
Finally, out of the blue, she texts me one day and asks if I want to help her get drunk.
Now come on. We're none of us school kids anymore. I instantly know what this is about. A chick that's been dodging you for months suddenly wants to meet up??
Er.. it's 'I need to forget about my ex' time!!
Fine by me!
I go in, eyes wide open.
Low and behold, her ex just happens to be at the bar we end up in!
Don't worry kids, we put on a good show for him.
Meanwhile, this chick is being all touchy feely with another of her male friends. Fcuk it. She's not my girlfriend, even though she's using me like she is, and even though I'd like it if she was.
She gets in a cab with her male friend. I ask her to text me when she gets home. She agrees. Meanwhile my broke-ass has to brave the elements and get the nightbus! (That's why you never let your kids go into the arts! Because they always end up broke and trampled on by women!!)
So, about 3 hours later, she texts me to say she got home.
What was she doing during that time kids?
No prizes for guessing...
I didn't care.
She wasn't my girlfriend and it's not like I had any illusions of her being 'the one'.
So even though EVERY instinct in my soul was telling me to forget about this chick and concentrate on finding 'the one' (I'm a born romantic, I believe in 'the one', what can I say?) I won't lie to you, another part of me was thinking 'promiscuous girl?? EXCELLENT!'
So I continued trying to get her to come out with me.
Dick head that I am, literally.
Now what was it that Mrs Goodman always used to say?
'Nothing wrong ever turns out right.'
So here I am, feeling all crappy.
I met up with this chick again, and told her how I felt (as if she didn't know?!).
And.. she turfed my ass!!
I mean, being rejected by a girl that's done the rounds?
It's like, any guy will do, just not you!
Hahahaha.. haha... ha.
I'm thankful though.
I wouldn't want to fall for a girl like that and then spend the rest of my life nursing even bigger wounds. Been there. Done that. Still got the T-Shirt.
It's weird though, the difference between what girl's think and what guys think.
Let me break it down:
A chick snogs a guy's face off. The guy naturally thinks 'I'm in there!'
He reckons he's bagged himself a girl he can at the very least take on a date.
(I'm talking in theory here. It's not like I've dated every chick I've snogged! Sheesh, what do you think? I'm made of money?? But I know I could have dated them, if I bothered asking!)
But, now this has happened to me SOOOOooooo many times! Afterwards, after we've shared these 'intimate' or 'romantic' moments, the girl turns around to me and says 'but we're just friends'.
It's like.. WTF??!!!
So in a girl's mind it's acceptable for them to snog all their male friends and then still be in the 'friend zone'?
I've got tonnes of chick friends.. am I therefore wrong in thinking that I could happily snog each one and then still remain 'just friends'??
'Cos if that's the case, I got me some snogging to do!!!
Or maybe I'm just too old school.
I thought the days of me being that guy that wines, dines and then snogs a chick, only to be told afterwards that we're 'just friends', were over.
One thing's for sure though, I'm getting too old for that shit.
Money comes and goes, but time, time only goes in one direction, and my time is running out.
I need to find me a chick worthy of my time.
Does this mean I'll finally sign up to online dating and stop hitting the bars and clubs??
'The definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'
Come find me at the bar and club every Thursday, Friday and Saturday bitches.
I'm waiting for ya!
In the meantime, I need to sort my fcuking life out!!
So check it out.. it's the penultimate week of August and I just find out about 'The Smalls' shortfilm festival.. A WEEK BEFORE THE DEADLINE!! (why does that shiz always happen to me??)
So, being a filmmaker, I just gots to enter.
There's no question.
..I mean what else am I gonna do? Watch crap on TV and Facebook all day?? (er.. try not to answer that one)
I'm tired of ALWAYS doing these last minute rush-jobs, and then being disappointed with the results.
I NEED to step up my game. I need to make this my BEST short.. EVER!!!!
So what do you need?
More than production values, you need a good story!
So I rack my brain thinking of a good story... for days upon days!!
It was stressful times. To simply say 'I was thinking for days' sounds quite leisurely. It wasn't. All the while, the clock was ticking, my head was hurting, body was aching, and as I have no real support system, I was motivating myself to persevere.
The genius idea WILL come!
The deadline was on Monday 20th August.
As with my previous shorts, that meant I would have to shoot on the Saturday, and edit on Sunday, ready to submit by Monday morning...
I had nothing to shoot.
I still had no real story, and the longer I left it, the less options I had.
Last time around I spent an entire day searching for my actor.. I didn't have that luxury this time.
Because it was so late, I'd have to spin a story that didn't require an actor... or worse, only required me!
By this time I was in a slight panic.
I HAD to enter this competition.. what kind of filmmaker shies away from a filmmaking challenge? Not me!
I don't shy away from ANY challenge! ..I'm a challenger!!
Besides, my naturally optimistic/delusional state of mind knew I could do this!
In my experience, things ALWAYS workout for the best!!
Now, those of you that are part of the UK massive can back me up on this.. In terms of weather.. this Summer has been the WORST ..EVER!!!
Seriously man, the last time we had a decent summer was in 2006!
That's moaning deserving of a separate blog entry, but just so you know.. it was during this agonizing period of trying to conceive an idea and film it that Summer FINALLY decided to turn up!!
It was the hottest weekend of the year!!
Of all the rotten luck!
I SOOOooooooo wanted to hit the parks and chill, wonder aimlessly in the busy city streets, dine al fresco, drink at some out door pub and then dance the night away in the clubs... And lets not even get started on the effects of the summer sun on the chicks!!
I'd been waiting for what felt like two years for days like these, and now I was missing out.. BIG TIME!
My future was at stake.
For too long I've procrastinated my life away.. watching others soar whilst I sit grounded.
This was my opportunity to prove to myself and others that I was disciplined and responsible. That no matter how great the temptation, I was serious minded enough to knuckle down and get on with it.
Finally, I had a story!
I'd have to rely wholly on myself to do everything.. including acting!
That's how I roll fool!
So after storyboarding Saturday night, I woke up Sunday morn- er.. Anyway, I woke up Sunday and started shooting that shizzle!
It was hot stifling conditions, and I really REALLY needed to get out of the confines of my self imposed imprisonment.. So I did what any writer/director would do. I wrote some outdoor scenes!!
By the time I finished shooting all the interior shots, it was late. The best of the days sunshine was gone.. But I still needed those shots and I needed some escape!
I got to Hyde Park just as the masses were leaving.. tonnes of couples, young folk, beautiful girls.. and then there was me.. and Kermit!
The sun was going down.
I quickly shot what I needed and moved on to my next location.
Pretty much my favourite place to be on any Sunday, let alone one of the hottest of the year: Southbank!
I was walking with my camera round my neck and Kermit tucked behind it.
Guys, seriously, you need to try this.
The amount of chicks checking me out was UNREAL!
..I mean I won't lie, I lock eyes with pretty chicks most of the time anyway, but this was something else.
One chick even shouted 'I LOVE YOU!!' (I'm gonna ignore the fact that she said 'Kermit' after that), another chick tried to persuade me to give her my 'Kermit' and said I could have 'anything' in exchange...
I tells ya.. any other day, I would've been all over that shizzle!
But I was in a surprisingly shy mood, preoccupied with getting my shots and getting the hell home so I could edit my film!!
I got home around 9 or 10pm.. and was KNACKERED!!
..Now came the editing process.
At the back of my mind, eating away at me like that thing that crawls in Chekov's ear in Star Trek II was the issue of sound.
I hate that mother trucker!!
Unlike my other mostly silent films, this piece had extensive dialogue.. dammit! (I had to step my game and confront the issue of dialogue eventually.. I just wish it wasn't for a last minute piece like this!).
I selected shots and pieced them together, and then began refining.
Once again, the only cost in my films comes from the licensing of music.
Searched Audiojungle, found some cool music, paid $14 for it and that was that...
By 5am, I was becoming increasingly distracted.
My mind couldn't focus, and the internet was proving to be too much of a lure. Still, after about twenty odd wasted minutes, I returned to my work.
But I was beginning to crack.
Worse than that, I was looking at my film, and what I was seeing was pure crap.
Passion is the fuel that fires an artist.
Passion helps you labour through all the tough times and distractions.
Passion sees you to that light at the end of the tunnel.
My passion was fading, readily replaced by despair.
Why continue to suffer when what you're working on doesn't make you excited but instead makes you cringe?!
By 8am, I had to confront the fact that this time, thing's may not work out for the best...
I didn't have a good edit of my film, and I'd only just thought about how I was going to dub the dialogue.
My film ends with me throwing in the towel and submitting one of my other short films instead.
It was meant to be funny, but became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ironic.
I turned my attention to prepping my other shortfilm 'Make it Happen' and entering that instead.
Entry to the festival cost twenty bucks, which isn't much, but when you're overdraft has been maxed for ten years and your credit card debt runs into the thousands, it's the odd twenty quid here and there that is the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Maybe this is the way it was meant to happen. Maybe this was things working out for the best. Maybe this was my ticket out of here and onto bigger things.
It had better be.
I can't remember the time of the deadline.. 10 am or something like that.
Afterwards I hit the hay and caught a few hours kip.
I woke up feeling pretty crap.
I ALWAYS leave things to the last minute, but I do make the deadline.. Even if it's just by the skin of my teeth, I make the deadline.
Not this time.
All that effort. All that discipline. Sacrificing the hottest and best weekend of the year, and for what?
So I could submit one of my other films?
What was the lesson in all this?
That if you're gonna leave it to the last minute, you're better off not bothering at all??
All those days of thinking didn't reap any instant rewards...
A week later, however, I got a totally excellent idea for a shortfilm!
I can't wait to make it!
..It's been over a month now and I still haven't made it though.
It's good idea and I don't want to short change it by just scraping something together.
I want to make it GOOD!
I wanna show the world what I'm made of, and not excuse mediocre work because it was done at the last minute.
I'll get to it though. Maybe even for my next piece.
..I need some beautiful chicks though, so if you know any, send 'em my way! ;)
Back to now.
So in the end, the film I submitted for 'The Smalls' festival wasn't even selected for the competition, let alone winning anything!
All that bother, for what?
A life lesson?
I'm not sure what that lesson is (answers on a postcard to the usual address), but I'm sure the price I paid for it was a bargain!
Finishing what you start is a good habit for anyone to get in to.
Unfortunately, I never bothered finishing the shortfilm I was working on (some of you might be thinking 'What you on about man? We just watched it and then liked your Facebook page and followed you on Twitter!').
What I mean is, it lay unfinished until two days ago.
Once again, I found out about another shortfilm competition just before the deadline!
This time it was the London Short Film Festival.
How does this keep happening to me?
..Something to do with the fact that the people I follow on Twitter only tweeting about these competitions a week before the deadlines!!
So anyway, I had my excellent shortfilm ideas, but I wasn't about to rush them just to make the deadline, so I submitted my previous two shorts instead ('Make it Happen' & 'The Man That Killed The World – Prologue').
Then, on Thursday (27th September) I found out they extended the deadline by one week (to the 28th.. which was the next day!). I'd already submitted my previous shorts.. and wasn't doing much with my life... so I once again felt the need to prove to myself that I was indeed a filmmaker and not, as is widely believed, just a procrastinator.
So I thought I'd finish my abandoned shortfilm, polish it up, and submit that too!
Could it be done in 24 hours though?
Once again, I had a party to go to on Thursday night, but you know what, my future is more important than my constant need to party, so I set about editing that short and trying to make it funny!
I won't lie, a lot of the time I felt like I was polishing a turd (no matter what I did, it was still $hit!). But I persevered, shot some new footage (the Kermit dream sequence) and FINALLY dubbed the dialogue. Then I stitched all that shizzle together!!
It needed some more music though, and being more broke than I've ever been (don't tell the ladies!!), I just couldn't justify splashing out for four more tracks... so I hit the internets and discovered a website called 'freearchivemusic.org' which lets you use music for free!! (Creative Commons License)
So once again, I slaved away infront of the computer.
But this time was a lot more fun, because I was actually enjoying most of what I saw. Also, the dubbing, though a pain, provided me with some pretty decent results. From a technical standpoint, I had upped my game, increased my skillset and learned something new!
From that perspective alone, it was a worth finishing the film.
The postal deadline for delivery of DVD's was Friday 28th September.
Obviously I wasn't going to make that, but the folks at the festival are pretty cool, and I'm hoping they'll show some leniency, especially as the festival isn't until January next year.
So after 4 hours sleep, I woke up Saturday morning, burned the DVD (the file was being built in Adobe Encore while I slept), gave it a quick watch.. the colours in some of the scenes were mashed! (Thank you 'Magic Bullet Looks'!!).
The last post gets collected at 12pm.
I filled out the forms, put that shiz in an envelope and ran to the post office!
11:50am.. and there's a massive queue!!
Once again, all that work...
Anyways, I sent the letter before 12pm! (the queue moved quickly!)
..But I think the post office guy said it would be sent tomorrow.. I just assumed he meant because I sent it 1st class it was next day delivery.. now I suspect the swine meant the post had already been collected, in which case my grievance with the Royal Mail continues!
So there you have it!!
A large part of me is like 'Seriously? A film about a guy trying to come up with an idea for a film?'
How cliché and crap is that?
It's pure amateur student stuff.
Especially when my other films deal with that exact same subject matter.
..It's like my life is made up of that same singular experience and I keep rehashing it!!
When this is all over, I'm gonna try other experiences and get me a life! Just so I have some other stories to tell!!
..But that's a blog for another day!
The important thing is I FINALLY finished that shizzle and gave it to the world!
Let them be judge if it's good or not, or whether or not it's funny or $hit.
I played my part in making and finishing the damn thing!
The rest is up to you!!
Meanwhile, I've got some damn excellent films to work on!
..wanna be in 'em?
Well, actually it's now late September, but I started writing this in the beginning of September and never got round to finishing it.. 'til now!
Anyways I gotta make tracks! The doc set all his clocks an hour fast, which means.. I'M LATE FOR SCHOOL!!
A short skateboard ride and run in with Strickland later...
Ah man, I REALLY need to sort my life out.. and I'm gonna do it for REAL this time.. so enjoy what's sure to be a rare LONG blog. Don't think I'll have much time to pontificate online anymore.. besides, bitchin' an' moanin' is SOOoo last season!
But you never know folks, that's the beauty of the internet: you click on a link for naked pictures of Ashwarya Rai.. and you end up with a virus!
(Not that I know about these things kids.. My friend Lee told me.. he's always telling me naughty stuff in the playground... Not that I hang around in playgrounds either..!)
So where were we??
Ok, so I just finished filming a very short prologue to my grand film idea, The Man That Killed The World. It's Saturday, and the deadline is midday Thursday 12th July. Saturday was probably the most productive day I've had all year! ..So what do I do on Sunday? Continue the momentum?
Nope, not quite.. On Sunday, I did absolutely Jack SH!T!
That wasted day would really come back and bite me in the arse.. just like I'm sure the past 12 years will someday comeback to haunt me (I hope so; it'd be good to see them again!).
Editing can be quite laborious and can take ages, but it does keep you engaged. Unfortunately, on my aged computer it takes even longer because when you wanna preview what you've just done, lets just say it doesn't exactly happen in 'real time'.. still, you have to work with what you've got.
Two or three days is more than enough time to bust out a few edits and refine a 2 minute film.. but where this becomes tight is in all the other post production nonsense.. like colour correction and sound! ..Man, I hate all that shizzle!!
So I'm working at a fairly relaxed pace all through Monday. All together the film is about 8 minutes long with all the shots I've storyboarded in place. Then comes the part where you have to edit out all the cool looking shots that don't absolutely have to be there.
I have to say, I'm a pretty cold hearted editor.
A lot of editors will say that a director should never edit his own films because he will fall in love with certain shots, especially if they were difficult to shoot, and so will retain those shots at the expense of the overall story or at the expense of making the film as tight as possible.
I will shoot down ANY mother trucking shot that gets in my way bitch!
Once my editor hat is on, I'm a cold hearted mother trucking assassin.
So, glorious shot after glorious shot lay dead on the cutting room floor.
It was still too jam packed for a two minute film, but there was no way around that. It had to tell the story I wanted to tell...
It's 5am Tuesday morning. I'd been holed up in my room pretty much the whole day, and there was still plenty of refinement to do. Hadn't even started worrying about colour correction, sound and all the rest of that shizzle. Figured it was time for bed though.
Just then the door bell rang.
Bloody postmen start their rounds a bit bloody early!
It was my cousin at the door.
My aunt had been taken to hospital.
I prayed she'd be ok, and went to bed for a few hours...
I woke up to the news that my aunt had passed away.
My aunt that passed away was my mother's sister, and also my closest relative in terms of aunts and uncles. She was always there y'know? Always greeted me with a warm smile.
I try not to think about it.
In Indian custom, we mourn by spending our time with the family of the deceased every day leading up to the funeral. Go their house, sit with them, provide comfort and solace...
I'm not the best when it comes to this type of thing.
I got to my aunt's house late, and left early.
I didn't do much work either. Tuesday was pretty much a write off, not that it mattered.
Who cares about short films when there's just been a death in the family?
I thought it might just be better to scrap the whole thing and spend all my time with the family.
But then this film wasn't just about me. I had asked people to give up their time to help me make it. I wouldn't be helping anyone, including myself by just giving up, especially when it could be a case of subconsciously just being too damn lazy to finish.
The show must go on.
SO on Wednesday, with 24 hours until the deadline, I knuckled down and sprinted to the finish line. I still visited to my aunt's house, but never stayed that long.
The actual process is all a bit of a blur.
I'm sure there were ups and downs, and things that didn't work etc. etc. But I seriously can't remember all that stuff (my memory is a joke these days, but I can't remember what joke it is!).
It was an allnighter though. It ALWAYS is with me.
My ENTIRE life, any deadline I've had, I've ALWAYS left it to the last minute and burned the midnight oil.. even if it was only a meaningless homework assignment in school: I'd pull an allnighter after having done Jacksh!t all day!
That's just the way I roll.
Someday I might try another method.. rumour is, the early bird catches the worm, but I aint a bird, and call me crazy, but I've no interest in catching worms either.
8am and it's all coming together.
I'm using 'Magic Bullet Looks' to colourise my film and add some polish.. except none of the presets really add the kind of sheen I'm looking for.. so I fiddle around with it and to be honest, I'm not 100% happy with the results. I could youtube a tutorial, but it's too late in the day.
I like to step up my game and add something new to my skillset each time I do a shortfilm, and this time, I wanted add some cool 'light leaks' (google it kids). I found some guy on Vimeo that was giving away free light leak effects that you overlay on your clips, so I added them, and.. Wow! I could SOoo get used to 'over-using' this effect, just like EVERYONE always does!!
You'll never see a solitary light leak effect.. EVER!!
We filmmaker types often find an effect we like and then rinse it to within an inch of it's life!
I like to think I used restrain however.. 'cos I'm better than that.
Okay, time is speeding up! I haven't got long left to finish the film and then submit it.
There's like one line of synchronised dialogue in my film (“Everything went according to plan sir”) and even this one line of dialogue cost me like two hours of headache!
Sound is the bane of every filmmaker!
Why do you think the golden-era of Hollywood was silent?!
On the day of the shoot I recorded the scene and then separately recorded my actress saying the line a few times using my trusty Zoom H4N audio recorder (I've NO idea how to use the damn thing properly!). Kind of an ADR thing.. whatever that means!
..Only I wasn't monitoring the sound, so I had no idea that it would turn out distorted! (because my actress held the the ultra sensitive mic up to her mouth and there wasn't a wind shield on the thing.. so the breath that came out of her mouth when she spoke totally, totally ruined the sound!!)
It's like a couple of hours 'til the deadline, and I only just realise this!
It's not like I can record the sound again or use someone else's voice (no females laying about my room, contrary to popular belief). So I used Adobe Soundbooth for the first time EVER, mucked about with it and tried to fix the distortions. These software thingies are AMAZING! I've no idea how to use most of them to their full abilities, but they can do some really impressive stuff! ..I only learn what I need to though.
Fixed the sound, synced it up, and almost done...
The film worked without any voice over exposition, but you wouldn't be able to pick up the concept of my grand film idea from it.
It would just be a guy seeing a girl, going out with her and then being betrayed.. after which he hits the drawing board.. for some unknown reason.
Such nonsense may have even won me the prize!
But this isn't about winning any prizes (kind of defeats the purpose of entering a competition then?!). I know that my film sensibilities don't match up with those that judge and select films in Britain.
I don't make films for them. I make films for me.
I had a story to tell, and the best way to convey that story, however cheesy, was to add a voice over. A corny, nondescript faux American sounding voice over!
So I quickly wrote some shizzle, got in character and began recording!
..Unfortunately, my room isn't sound proof.. and I live near a railway line!
Take after take was ruined by the sound of trains rushing past. For the first time in history, the railway companies decide to run a full uninterrupted service and it just happens to be on the day I need them to shut the hell up!
In the end, I had to resort to hiding underneath a thick duvet with a torch (so I could read the lines! ..Get your filthy minds out of the gutter!), and my Zoom H4N to record the dialogue!
Half ten, two hours to the deadline.
Plenty of time?
Filmmakers will know the final agonising part of the process.. EXPORT TIME!! (I don't render first, ..'cos basically, do you have to??)
Now you gotta make a file (compressing all those mahoosive high definition files into a single file so it can easily be uploaded on to the internets!) ..Not to mention the time it will take to upload the file too!!
Now, you want to upload the best quality version of your film possible. That way, people can enlarge the screen size and your film won't look like a bunch of blocks splattered across the screen!
Unfortunately, the best quality version takes the longest time to render!
I started with a high quality render, thinking, sure there are a tonne of shots, multiple sound tracks and a load of effects (colour, light leaks, titles), but it's only a two minute film!
After rendering for 15 minutes, the render time increased to two hours! (..I really need a new computer!)
At this rate I wouldn't even have a file to upload, let alone the time to upload it!
I had to hit cancel and then render a file with a much lower quality level.. Which kind of defeats the purpose of filming in high definition.. but what could I do?
Finally, it was done.
I had a look. On the small screen, it looked fine. If you wanted to enlarge the screen, however, it looked like the Lego version of my film!
Also, the sound wasn't great.
It sounded fine when I edited it, but now the mix sounded out of whack.. maybe it was the compression?
Anyway, it was now in the lap of the Gods.. or worse still, down to you, the peoples of the internet!!
I emailed the link to my actors and posted a link on Facebook.
My actors text me back.. neither one seemed too impressed. Nor was it the sensation I was expecting on Facebook either.
This made me more happy with the results, in a kind of 'screw you' kind of way.
I liked it, and that's all that mattered.
I mean, jeez man, I had zero budget to work (I spent $28 on rights to use the music, and £30 on drinks for my crew when we filmed.. that was about it) and did practically everything myself dammit!
Now, I knew I wouldn't make the shortlist based on the Judges selection. Them fools are just too white bread for my brown bread ways.
But there was a 13th spot on the shortlist, for the film with the most 'Likes' & 'Shares' ..I've never won a popularity contest before, but I'm just about egotistical enough to believe that I could win one!
..I mistakenly believed that we had three weeks to amass as many 'Likes' & 'Shares' as we could, so I sat around for about two weeks before realising we actually only had two weeks!
In the final few days before they stopped counting I stretched my social networking skills to the max!
I asked friends on Facebook & Twitter to 'Like' & 'Share' my film.. and can you believe that the vast majority of them just flat out ignored me! Hell, not even my actors shared the film on their Facebook walls!!
MOTHER TRUCKERS, the lot of them!!!
I mean, how hard is it to hit the 'Like' button fools??
It's not as if you actually have to like it, but if it helps a brother out..!
For a while I was disheartened by just how disingenuous people can be, especially on Facebook (the fact that I felt this way shows just how naïve I am!), but then I decided to focus on the people that did help me, rather than those that didn't.
..Some people even 'Liked' & 'Shared' without my even having to ask!
I also got my sisters in on it.
Chicks are like natural born wizards when it comes to social networking!
I swear, if a fit chick updates her status with a simple :( ..about a MILLION people will respond with 'ah, what's wrong hun?' etc. etc. etc.
Whereas if a guy wrote something as dramatic as 'I'm dying. Need Help' ..the response would be.. NOTHING.. except maybe the odd 'Like'.
So anyway, my little sister got me about 300 'Likes' in the space of a few hours!
On the final night I got the 'Likes' to about 487 (can't remember the number of 'shares', but it was below 100).
I woke up the next morning and the 'Likes' had jumped to 597!!
That felt good.
In the final count, I had 612 'Likes' and over 120 'Shares'!
I felt well chuffed! ..Until I chatted to some dude who had over 3000 'Likes' and I don't know how many 'Shares'!!!
And not even he had enough to win the 13th spot on the shortlist!!
It was a great experience though!
The thing is, without these competitions, I probably wouldn't even make shorts! I'm so preoccupied with making my grand feature films that I literally just spend all my time writing or visualising them with artwork instead of honing my craft!
To be fair, I need to do all three things, but most of all, I need to KEEP MAKING FILMS!!
That's the ONLY way to get to where I want to be, regardless of winning or losing these competitions, the fact that they get me off my lazy (& rather hairy) arse and making movies makes them TOTALLY worthwhile!!
I have to stop leaving it to the last minute though!!
A HUGE thanks to everyone that supported me, it seriously is VERY much appreciated! The actors especially! They went out on a limb to help me out, and for that I cannot convey just how grateful I am! For that act alone, they're both stars in my book.
The shortlsit was released last week, two months after the submission deadline. I didn't make it. The guy that got the coveted 13th spot (based on the total number of 'Likes' & 'Shares') is some Youtube sensation with tens of thousands of followers.. he just gives the word and the masses mobilise around him.
..Someday kids, we'll be like that.
'til then.. Keep the hope alive :)
The term 'Bitches' is meant for humorous purposes only and in no way should be inferred as a derogatory statement about bitches.. I mean women.
I know, I know!
I said I wouldn't blog about chicks, but dammit, I need to get this off my chest... I need the therapy!!
So check it out. I met up with this chick friend of mine recently.. I've fancied this chick for quite a while (I can't help it! I have a thing for beautiful women!), but I only revealed my feelings to her relatively recently. I finally tried it on with her, she recoiled in disgust, we laughed, I thought I could change her mind, she vehemently disagreed, we remained friends, you know, that old routine!
Anyways, we're deep in conversation.
This chick falls into the '1% of chicks' bracket.
That's the 1% of chicks on the planet that don't find me very funny.
Girl needs a sense of humour more than the U.S. needs rain! (bit of topical humour for you all)
She's telling me all about how she's open minded, willing to give every guy a chance, into geeky guys (Hello?? I write, I draw, I make movies! Don't hold it against me just because I'm also tres cool!), dropping major hints on her sexual permissiveness, whilst also maintaining her sweet 'girl next door' allure!
She knows I got a thing for her (a very big throbbing thing! Haha!).
Even after she shut me down like I was a nuclear power plant about to go critical, I still maintained my charm!
And she kept doing it.
Each time I'd try and insinuate the two of us being more than just a guy that likes a girl and a girl that doesn't want anything to do with that guy, she'd shut me down again!
Finally, she tells me she doesn't go for looks and is attracted to personality (which in my head means she's f**ked A LOT of ugly mother truckers! ..which she probably has) and she doesn't find my personality 'suitable'.
It's the biggest insult my ego can take.
She's not attracted to me physically, which is always hard to take, but worse than that- she doesn't like my personality either!
Hell woman, you may as well have said that I just don't cut it as a human being!
I mean, for f**k's sake, not attracted to my personality??!
Me, the man that is ALL about the personality!
If you wanna call into question my physical appearance, then go ahead.. you racialist! But to reject me on the grounds of personality?
That's just cold.
I mean, I like this chick. Obviously.
But as much as I really want to, I don't think I can see her again. Like, EVER!
Who needs to be reminded of rejection every time they look at a person?
Knowing that she's dating, banging and loving EVERY other guy that aint me?
Life's too short.
But life's definitely too short for that shit.
I aint got time to be longing over some lost cause. Not anymore. Those days were painful enough when I did have time.
I'm better off wasting my time with a chick that I have no future with, who appreciates me, rather than wasting my time on a chick that I might have a future with, who doesn't.
And that's the mother trucking problem.
The only chicks that will give a me a chance are the kind of chicks I don't really want to date (longterm).. whereas the chicks I really want to date, won't even risk a chance...
Ouch man. That hurts.
So where does that place my value?
What am I worth, if not even worth the risk of a possible romance?
It's like you don't even want to open your mind to the merest possibility of allowing yourself to feel an emotion towards this human being (me).
It's not this one chick either.. It's practically EVERY chick that I've ever known or come into contact with!
I've only ever dated the wrong type of chicks (not relationship material) because the right type of chicks don't want anything to do with me. Or worse than that, they just want to be friends!
Gets to the point where you begin to re-evaluate your concept of what makes a person 'right' in the first place.
Take ho's for example; everyone can agree that they're the 'wrong' type of chick, yes? Yet there's a period in history when all the artists used to fall in love with prostitutes, because those were the only chicks that ever showed the artist any affection. Sure, he paid for those affections, but at least he got that warmth of human emotion from somewhere...
That's all we crave in this world people. The warmth of human emotion...
Pretty chicks have no appreciation for that shit, 'cos they get it from all angles.
Maybe that's why beautiful women are often so cold hearted, or so quick to transfer their 'emotions' from man to man as easily as they're putting on a pair of shoes (the same could be said of men that get 'love' from loads of chicks).
Artist folk like me treasure the romanticism in life, probably because we live by these ideals that no one else adheres to, or appreciates.. or even f**kin' NEEDS!
People don't need romantic ideals!
They need practical solutions to life's problems!
I mean, check it.
I'm an Artist.
No man can view the world in the same way as me; see it as I do, feel it as I feel it, write about it as I write about it, or paint it as only I can paint it.
But you think chicks give a damn about these qualities in a man??
It don't amount to a hill o' beans in this world that I can do all this.
'Why strive for excellence when mediocrity is all that is required?'
I'm better off being some boring-ass fat ugly mother trucker with a boring job and a steady pay check! At least that way I might stand a chance of contributing something to the human gene pool!
It's no wonder the human race is so f**cked up when they're the ones deciding who's babies to have!
This goes for guys and girls:
If a person cannot and WILL NOT recognise your worth, no matter how much you might like him or her, then that person does not deserve to know you.
Cut that mother trucker out of your life.
Sure, they'll still want to be friends. Who the f**k doesn't want to be friends with someone who fancies you?? It's an ego boost! To know you always have the option of that loser that pines over you.. just in case the rest of the human race drops dead!
But do you want to be that loser pining for that person that will give EVERY other person a shot at their affections, bar you?!
You deserve more, and so do I.
God knows I've been a sucker for most of my life. It's how I want to spend what's left of my life that matters most now.
Don't let how others perceive you or how others treat you define you.
If they leave you feeling like trash, doesn't mean that's what you are.. or what you should become.
Yeah, so what no 'decent' girl wants to know me?
Does that mean I'm condemned to see out my days with chicks I know are no good for me, just because they're the only ones that give a damn about me?
Or does it mean I hold my head up high, prove to the world that I am someone worth giving a shot to (that's all I ask people, one shot, not a f**kin' marriage proposal!!), and keep on searching for that 'right girl'??
I mean, so many chicks become sluts, because one or two guys treated them like trash. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm not a chick and I don't roll that way.
Just because a chick doesn't want to 'invest' in me (as a person), doesn't make me worthless. It just means that chick is f**king INSANE!
Listen to me.
All bitter 'n shit.
Yeah I'm bitter! So what?!
Buy me another drink and stop your bitching!
F**k it y'know.
You can't force people to like you. It's that simple.
At best, you can try and change their mind, if they give you that opportunity. But if they insist on being a lesbian or a racist, there's not much you can do.
Sure it hurts when you like someone and they don't reciprocate, but that doesn't mean you should put that person on a pedestal. Everything happens for a reason. There are better people out there just waiting to be met...
I've only got one question:
WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY??!
What I want to do right now is go out, party, meet a tonne of new chicks and have some fun. Too bad I don't have the friends or the money to do that. What I need to do is forget about chicks for a while (God, I wish such a thing was possible) and just focus on sorting my damn life out!
..If only I knew how.
Time's getting on.
My luck with chicks is pretty damn atrocious right now...
Still.. it could be worse.
I could be married.
See you on the dance floor bitches!
"..Her ass was like THIS big!" Click on the image for all the photos!!
MAN!! I am LOVING London during the Olympics!!
Not only is Team GB laying the smack down (we are a nation not used to doing well in major sporting tournaments!), but my beloved London town is showing the world just how great it is!! The buzz, the atmosphere is AMAZING!! Everyone is happier and friendlier, the place just seems renewed with vigour.
AND, the Tube is running late everyday!! No more nightbus missions getting home!! YAY!! That alone is worth celebrating!!
Where was I??
Oh yeah, searching for a story and finally finding one..!
It was an old idea, but one that I'd been neglecting. Something I'd been working on for YEARS but had lost almost all my passion for... It was also the same idea I wanted to use for the Raindance Film Festival, before realising it was too ambitious for me to attempt.
All it took was a spark, and suddenly the passions were relit, burning as brightly as they once had.
Pulling off this idea for a 15-20 minute film in two weeks was daunting, but pulling it off for a 2 minute 20 seconds film in ten days.. I could do that??!
A prologue to my feature that I pitched (unsuccessfully) at last year's 'Empire Big Screen'.
'The Man That Killed The World'
Now that I had my idea, I just had to think of a way to execute it.
Now the basics of story telling are pretty simple; one add one has to equal three in a logical way that makes perfect sense!
You have to give the audience the resolution they want in a way they never saw coming.
Even for a two minute film, I wanted to stick to these storytelling principles. So whilst I can't really explain to you how I came up with the story (because basically, I DON'T KNOW!), I can tell you what I was trying to do.
SPOILERS ahead! Watch the film here if you haven't already and then read on.
Firstly I introduce the dynamic.
A character sent from the future to prevent mankind from dooming the planet. That's the character's dilemma. He quickly gets sidetracked when he falls in love, and then chooses the path of love instead of the path he was meant to go down (saving the world).
Uh-oh. Then he ends up being betrayed by the girl he loved (Pff. Who hasn't been there?? Bitches). Throwing a major spanner in the works. Now what??
The world is doomed and so is he.
So what does he do?
His bitterness turns him from potential hero to major villain. He's hell bent on making the planet's fate worse than it already was...
Hopefully the audience didn't see that coming, but even if they did, the ending totally messes with their expectations and no one will have expected it (because the film gives no clues alluding to it). The girl is some kind of agent working for a much larger organisation. She purposely sends the protagonist down this dark path..
'Everything went according to plan..'
What's the purpose of turning the hero into a villain??
Who's the boss??
What the bloody hell is going on??!!
Ah, all will be revealed in the feature film!
I never bank on winning these competitions, I just use them as an opportunity to further my own ambitions in whetting the audiences appetite and hopefully building some interest and anticipation for my grander film ideas...
Okay, so I had my story idea.
Time was short, the less filming I had to do, the better- I had a quick browse through the rushes I'd shot for my other shorts to see if there was anything I could recycle. There wasn't. So I hit up the internets and searched for royalty free stock footage...
Firstly, this took bloody Aaaaaaaaages!!
There was nothing for free!!
I couldn't believe it! This was the internet after all, built on the very foundations of stuff being free!! So I searched some more. FINALLY I found some resources which I'll share with you, just so you don't have to go through the same hassle I did.
You can use stock footage from these sites for free, providing you don't sell them on, or use them for commercial purposes, and provided you credit the sites.
Both are excellent resources and I used them both. The time lapse footage especially, from stockfootageforfree, really added some cinematic class to my short. You definitely have to take full advantage of every resource available when you're working with a pretty much zero budget.
I also scoured audiojungle for more affordable music that would fit my new vision.. this was a major pain, considering that I had pretty much no money and no time. Luckily the music I'd already purchased the rights to could fit my new vision. It had to, there was no other choice! I also found another piece of music which I could use for the latter section of the film.
The final piece of the jigsaw was the acting talent.
Thus far I've been extremely reluctant to use 'proper' actors in my shorts. Why?
Because I'm so self conscious about my work that I don't want to waste any professional's time on it. It's far easier to just use friends and get them to do you a favour for a few hours. There's also less expectation and hassle. I shoot very very fast. Three or four takes max. I just need the person in front of the lens to do what I tell them to do, and not 'act out' what I want them to do..
That said, I needed to step up my game. Challenge myself; work with people who's profession it is to act.
Also, I like actors, and I have enormous respect for the craft of acting. I've put myself in their shoes and done a few courses and not only did I love the process, but I loved the people. It was waaay past time I used people that had dedicated themselves to the craft of acting, and not just friends who were doing me a favour.
..Too bad none of the bloody actors out there wanted to work with me!!
(Not strictly true, but I had major persuading to do!)
Less than a week before the deadline and I was still in cruise control mode. I shouldn't have been, because it definitely came down to the wire, yet again!
I attended a boat party (I can't resist partying!) and dressed like a bloody tramp! Everyone was in suits and cocktail dresses, and there I was, in jeans, a t-shirt and boots!
That's another story that I won't really go into, but I definitely met some very cool people! (& a stunning chick!)
It was the City Academy summer party. City Academy are a London based organization that run courses in everything from dance to acting to filmmaking and even public speaking. My ulterior motive that night was to find me some actors! I had a load of business cards at the ready, but alas, most of the people there were friends of friends of people that had attended City Academy courses! There were only a handful of actors and none of them really fit the bill...
I had a good time, but now the race was on, and as ever, I was starting from the back.
The final weekend before the deadline was about to dawn, and despite my proclamations to not leave it to the last minute yet again, that's exactly what was happening.
I needed to shoot on Saturday, and when I woke midday on Friday, I still had no actors. Time to hit the internets!
This was the day I earned my producer credentials. Getting people involved, chasing them up, and organising the whole shoot. Of course, I ALWAYS do this with all my films, but because I usually use friends and family, it's never this arduous!
This was BY FAR the toughest day of the whole damn process!!
The night before I tweeted to various film and networking organisations on Twitter that I needed actors... Of all the organisations I tweeted (including Virgin Media, the organizers of the competition) the only people that re-tweeted my request were the fine folks at Raindance! Kudos my friends, nice to know that of all the many bodies that claim to support new filmmaking talent in the UK, one actually does!!
So I awoke with a few positive tweets from actors interested in appearing in my short; splendid! Too bad none of them fit the look I had in mind for my characters (that's essentially what it boils down to when winning roles.. yes, you have to be able to act, but primarily, you have to fit the 'look').
I don't want to relive the details of this day, but I pretty much ate breakfast and didn't eat again until after midnight!
I spent the entire day searching for actors and then chasing them up!
I began with trying to find the ideal actors to play the roles, and then ended up settling for wheoever I could damn well get at such short notice! I mean, if you're shooting all day Saturday, Friday afternoon into Friday night are not the best times to be searching!
I was very fortunate in finding a young talented lead by the name of Brice Sedgwick quite early on Friday afternoon, via Twitter. I contacted him, and then spent most of that day trying to persuade him to give up his Saturday (for free!) to appear in my short. Brice was a bit reluctant at first, understandably, considering we were complete and utter strangers, and said he'd agree to appear only if I could get an actress that he already knew to work alongside him..
One of the actresses that he recommended was perfect for the role, but she wasn't keen on doing it. The others just didn't fit the part.
FINALLY, after a few hours of back and forth tweeting and emails, Brice agreed to do the role. I asked him for his mobile number, and then.. nothing.
Meanwhile I still had an actress to find!!
I'd tweeted and Facebook messaged a tonne of 'so-called' actresses (I say 'so-called' 'cos pretty much every chick with a professional modelling photo also claims to be able to act!) and none of them even replied!!
The following is good advice to anyone. Enthusiasm and professionalism will do more for your career than just talent. There's no point in being talented if you're not enthusiastic about wanting to work, and you're not professional about how you treat the people you work with!
I mean Jeezus Jones!
When opportunity comes knocking, instead of politely refusing, these people aren't even answering the door, forget about screaming 'YES'!!
No wonder so many 'talented' people fall by the wayside.
Anyway, forget all that. Brice finally gave me his number and agreed to come round my house by half 12 (I knew I wouldn't be ready before then).
It was now 11pm, and I was at my wit's end with trying to find an actress. I'd gone from trying to find the perfect actress for the role to trying to find any actress at all, and still nothing!!
Finally, I turned to my trusty friend.. Facebook.
I scoured all the millions of chicks I know (haha- I WISH!) to see if any of them fit the bill.
Now, the girl that was to play the lead HAD to be really pretty. After all, she had to make a man fall for her at first sight, and then seduce him into abandoning his primary goal in life (don't you just hate it when chicks do that?).
Fortunately, when it comes to Facebook, I ONLY befriend pretty chicks, but still, she had to have something more... an innocent look about her too. You shouldn't be able to look at her and suspect that she'd turn out to be a major biatch!
Could I really afford to be this particular so late in the day??
I had to. That's part of being a filmmaker; sticking to perfectionism in the face of adversity!
There wasn't enough time to message anyone; I needed an immediate response, so I went on to the chat thingy to see who was online.. and there she was. My female lead.
A lovely acquaintance by the name of Merina Su (How cool are the names of my actors?? Brice and Merina! It's almost as if I picked them based on the coolness of their names!). Now, I say acquaintance because that's all Merina was. We met a couple of years ago at a dance class that neither of us attended again. I bumped into her a few times after that, but it was always just a polite 'hello' much to my chagrin.
Since signing my life away to Facebook three years ago, I've culled tonnes and tonnes of acquaintances. Somehow Merina had survived all these culls, probably 'cos she's a good looking girl, but now it seems like fate. Other good looking girls have been discarded, but for some reason, she remained.
Anyway, we chatted for a bit, got the preliminaries out of the way, and then I asked her. Bear in mind folks, it's now past 11pm and I'm asking a chick I hardly know to give up her Saturday (which is only one sleep away) to appear in my shortfilm at the shortest notice, and she said 'yes'!!
Now that is what I was looking for!!
ENTHUSIASM people!! At short notice!!
It WILL get you far in life!! Trust me!!
Man, I was shattered! But more than that, I was relieved!!
Chasing people up is SUCH hard work!!
Merina was perfect for the role, and I was hoping Brice would be too, but even if he wasn't, I'd make him perfect! That's what you have to do as a filmmaker; make perfection out whatever is available!! (no offence Brice!)
Now all I had to do was storyboard the damn film!!
After a much needed lunch break, I sat down, put on some choons, and drew...
I think I went to bed around 6am or something.. For my last short, I made a shot list and just winged it. That might work for some directors (the less visually inclined), but last time around, it really slowed me down.
I want to be able to see the shots on paper, and then capture them and tick them off. It REALLY speeds up the process.
A short sleep later, I got ready, made sure I ate breakfast and set about readying my room for Brice's scene.
Just as I was bout to start, Brice text me. He was here. On time. Dammit!!
I went and met him at the train station and brought him over. He had to sit around for a while as I tried to ready my room. Film actors often say that a large part of their time is spent waiting around until the set is ready for them to shoot. It's true, as Brice learnt that day.
I called upon the help of one of my oldest and dearest friends, Ranj Sandhu, just to help me during the shoot, carrying equipment and watching over stuff. Having an extra pair of hands is always a huge help. Luckily Ranj also stepped in at the last minute, cancelling whatever plans he had to help me out. He also agreed to be onset photographer and took some excellent shots that day!
Once those shots were done, we packed up my gear and headed to the mean manic streets of Oxford Street!!
Oxford circus was packed the hell out! As always!
I got a few shots in before Merina arrived.
Everything was moving smoothly and very quickly. I was telling Brice what to do, he would do it. I'd capture it on my trusty Canon 550D, and then we'd move on to the next shot! Beautiful.
Merina arrived and totally looked the part of traffic stopping beauty. I was getting ready to shoot her scenes when my battery died. No problem. I had a spare... which also turned out to be dead.
I never checked it before I left (MAJOR rookie error!!), but I ALWAYS recharge the battery after it runs out. Why the hell would I put a battery in my camera bag if I hadn't already recharged it??
Oh man, I was looking like SUCH an amateur!!
Both Brice and Merina were polite enough to mask their obvious disappointment at such a rookie error, but neither of them felt anywhere near as disappointed in me as I felt with myself.
Luckily Ranj kept a level head and suggested we pop into a café, get some drinks, and put the battery on charge. So that's what we did. By now we were also joined by one of Brice's fellow antipodean friends, and good thing too, because she helped keep spirits up and kept Brice occupied when he wasn't needed.
It was my bad, and my shoot, so I bought everyone a drink and a dessert if they wanted one. We were at Le Pain Quotidien on Great Marlborough Street, just in case I ever hit the big time and you decide to pay pilgrimage! In which case, have the scones man, they're nearly as yummy as the talent that frequents that joint (or so I hear.. I was so wrapped up in my own world I didn't notice any fit chicks for like the first time in years!!).
We got back to shooting and man, it was fun!
I think everyone enjoyed themselves and got into the spirit of trying to do their best. None of the actors gave me any problems; I'd ask them to do something, and they'd do it. Again, I'm not one for repeated retakes, so it all moved along pretty quickly without anyone getting bored.
I shot waaaaaay more than I could use, but it's always good to have options, because you never really know what shots will be the most effective to tell the story until you get to the editing process. After that, all the really cool beautiful shots usually end up on the cutting room floor 'cos they don't really serve the story!
Then came the part in the day for my own acting cameo!
Now, the cynical amongst you may think that I cast myself in that role simply because there was a kissing scene.
Those of you that think that obviously don't know me. Kissing random chicks is no big deal for a veteran like me. The fact is, it just wasn't worth getting someone else involved for two very innocuous shots.
Besides, a screen kiss is a very mechanical process, not at all romantic, and pretty damn awkward! Still, I had fun even if Merina didn't!
(and 'no' there weren't loads of retakes! ..Just like twenty or thirty..! Kidding.)
We needed an office environment to shoot in for Merina and I to walk into, but I had NO idea where we could shoot that! I'm not an office type of guy!
All we really needed was a door for us to both walk through, but again, where??
We were in Southbank, so popped into the National Theatre and asked if we could perhaps shoot there?? They said 'No', saying we needed prior permission, etc. etc.
So instead we popped next door and shot at the Royal Festival Hall. They're pretty damn cool over there. I shot my last film there too, again without permission. Just set up the camera and press record. Good advice for all filmmakers. F**k permission.
It was now around 9pm. Merina went off to attend a 'Bikini Beach' themed house party (I tried to persuade her to take plenty of pictures, but the fact that she took none says a lot about how awesome this party must've been! Next time folks, we're ALL gonna gatecrash that shizzle!). Me, Ranj, Brice and Brice's friend now made our way to shoot the night shots.
Plan was to shoot around Soho, but it was Gay Pride day, so Soho would have been impossible to shoot in.. We settled for Covent Garden and again it worked out beautifully. Got some really cool shots!
In all, everything worked out for the best for the entire shoot!
It was a really fun and enjoyable day, and I pretty much had all but one or two of the shots I needed. A productive day.. FINALLY!!
Afterwards Ranj and I indulged in some fine dining that I seriously couldn't afford, but you know what, even though I didn't make a penny, I earned it.
I shot fast and had time to edit.. so how come it was another last minute rush to make the deadline??
..And why wouldn't my actors share the damn film with their friends on Facebook??
Click in the image for the full photo album!!
Man... I need to sort my life the HELL out!
Kids, if any of your future children ever wanna become filmmakers, do 'em a favour. Beat the sh!t out of them and force them to go into a good respectable Indian profession, like medicine, dentistry, accounting or even porn! Anything but filmmaking!
That sh!t will f**k you the hell UP!
Ya get me?
Well then gather ye round, and let me tell you a tale.. a tale about messed up mother truckers and me, the last of a dying gentleman breed. An anachronisms too naïve and innocent for this cruel, cruel world...
Actually, scratch that, I'm sure you don't wanna hear that particular tale of triumph over adversity, so I'll tell you a different story.
For the past few months the Virgin Media Shorts competition had been at the back of my mind (what it was doing there I have no idea- it was supposed to be at the front of my mind dammit!). Ideas slowly gestating, waiting for that last minute panic when they would finally emerge, like a beautiful butterfly from it's chrysalis.
Meanwhile I'd been busy doing everything BUT spending my time wisely working on the film. Mostly I'd been continuing my never ending quest for a 'Happily Ever After' to my life story. I was having tonnes of fun and meeting all the wrong kinds of chicks (no change there then).
I was actually planning something far more ambitious than a two minute film. I really wanted to make a fifteen to twenty minute shortfilm to enter in the Raindance film Festival, and up until two weeks before the Raindance deadline in June, I actual thought I'd make it. But once again my ambition got the better of me. After developing an idea, I realised that a couple of weeks and a zero budget weren't enough to do my idea justice.
So with a heavy heart, I accepted defeat and turned my attention to the Virgin Media Shorts competition. I could deal with two minutes and twenty seconds... or so I thought.
The deadline loomed ever closer, like that fat chick in the club at 2:59am, a minute before closing time..
My last shortfilm 'Make it Happen' gave me my first ever taste of positive feedback, so I was pretty sure what direction my next 'ultra short' shortfilm would take...
I know I'll never win these shortfilm competitions, so I've decided to just use them as a means to promote myself or the 'Planet Nish' brand.
One thing was certain. Having always left it to the last weekend before the deadline, I was determined that this time things would be different. It wouldn't be yet another mad dash to make the deadline! This time I wanted to be able to add a little sparkle and professional polish to my film!
Two minutes isn't much to work with for my epic storylines, but it is the perfect length for a promo piece.
Whereas 'Make it Happen' was like a motivational piece to keep me motivated through this long and arduous journey in chasing my dreams, the follow up would show my more fun side.
It would promote the Planet Nish ideal that 'Life is an Adventure!'.
The first thing I do before I do anything when it comes to making shorts (and even in finding inspiration for features) is find the soundtrack!
I had found the perfect track on audiojungle.com (my source for using affordable legal music) and rinsed it to death!! Playing it over and over and over, whilst I imagined the shots and sequences in my head.
I made a few notes and sketches and even had a chat with the chick from 'Make it Happen' about making a cameo appearance.
It was gonna be good!
It might still be good.. if I ever decide to make it!
Those of you that have seen my entry to the Virgin Media Shorts competition will know I didn't roll with that idea.
The pursuit of chicks had left me once again feeling 'wise' to the true nature of humanity (bruised and battered more like!) and of love especially, and I wanted to share my new found wisdom with the world. So with little over a month until the deadline, I put my previous idea on hold.
It also didn't help that I kept getting the flu for weeks at a time, leaving me unable to do anything except surf Facebook (that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!).
I pressed ahead with this new 'profound' film I had in mind. It was beautiful, full of beautiful people and detailing the true ugliness in all their empty words and declarations. I had found another beautiful piece of music on audiojungle and was so certain that this was the film I was going to make, I went ahead and purchased the rights to use it.
Weeks quickly passed and it looked like it would take some real effort to not only find my beautiful cast, but also all the locations I needed to pull this off.
I was undeterred. Stretching myself and being ambitious is how I prefer to do things. Hopefully each new project is more ambitious and daring than the last.
What was putting me off, however, was the cynical nature of the message I was attempting to tell.
Hard as it may seem to believe for the five of you that have not met me, I am seriously not a cynical person.
The opposite in fact.
I'm the biggest daydream believer you will EVER meet!!
I still believe that somewhere out there my Disney-esque fairytale ending exists, and depressing blogs aside, I'm having a hell of a fun time chasing that dream!!
But it was late in the day, and no other ideas were forthcoming.
It's now two weeks before the deadline.
I'm out partying at least twice a week, playing football, going to a certain dance class I don't care to mention (pole dancing), watching films, socialising with friends and writing blogs about the horrid women I'd met (is there any other kind??).
There wasn't much actual filmmaking going on.
Surely I should be rearing to go!!
I finally took time to pause, think and be honest with myself. This is absolutely essential in any creative process.
Always take time to reflect and more than anything, be honest with yourself!!
The reason I kept putting off making this film was because I didn't believe in the cynicism it portrayed. How could I make a film I didn't believe in??
So even after chatting to people about appearing in my short, I decided to scratch that idea and come up with something new.
Now, the following sentence is easy to write, but hardly does justice to the actual events it describes!
I sat down and thought long and hard about what story I wanted to tell.
The artists amongst you will know that this is a maddening ordeal. To try to force creativity and pluck ideas from nothing. I mean if you have something to say, conjuring up ways to say it is easy!
I had nothing I really wanted to say. No story I really wanted to tell. My blogs have been my therapy these past few months... I had nothing of a profound or worthy nature to say about life...
All I had were two minutes and twenty seconds of film time to fill, and no idea how to fill them.
To the untrained eye, those days looked like they were filled with procrastination, but here's the secret. Procrastination can be a good thing if you do it correctly. The trick is to expose your mind to as many thing's as possible. Make it a melting pot of EVERYTHING and then switch off and dream... let all the ingredients infuse and let the brain combine them in a way hitherto unimagined..
..Unfortunately even this wasn't working for me!
With ten days left until the submission deadline, I finally found my idea!
Like most good ideas, it had been under my nose the whole time!
Remember that time I was supposed to meet that chick who just wanted to be friends (I know! Which one?? Practically EVERY chick I've ever met fits in to that description!) and then she cancelled on me at the last minute, so I went to the Apple store and blogged about it?
(if not read it here)
It turns out that this fit chick actually read my blog!
I know?! Beauty AND Brains?!! Why can't I ever meet chicks like that??
..I mean before they have boyfriends or before they've decided they're now a racist lesbian that hates guys that look like me!!
After reading my brilliant prose, this girl was quite upset by it.. (Imagine how my old English teachers must feel? All those wasted hours trying to teach me!)
I just re-read it, and it's not that bad!
I didn't name names and the amount of times I called her a fit chick ought to have been flattering.. But I dunno. Some chicks take issue with guys blogging about them and classifying them as a negative Asian girl stereotype (there's just no pleasing some people! Especially Asian chicks!!).
In all fairness, this chick was pretty damn cool. I mean I only met her once, briefly, but she gave good banter, was good natured, and was obviously good looking.
When I wrote that blog, maybe I was just whinging and needed something to do so I didn't feel like such a tool.
Whatever the reason, I pride myself on being a gentleman, so as I caused offence to this delightful young lady in a public (well.. internet) arena, it's only fair that I put things right in the same manner too.
So! Pretty chick that I never named, and have only met once, yet have written about extensively (you know who you are!), I'm sorry if I offended you. T'was not my intention at all! That's not how I roll.
Despite meeting tonnes of other crazy-ass bitches that would turn any guy in to a twisted bitter swine, I still like to think of myself as a thoroughly decent sort.
I'm sure you're a cool chick, and if I caused people to misjudge your coolness, well then, I'm sorry (again).
Maybe there's a lesson here.. somewhere.. I don't know what it is, but if anyone can be bothered to figure it out, good for them!
Meanwhile I'll be busy blogging about the next messed up chick I meet! (Actually I've already met a few since then.. I don't know if they're messed up before or after they've met me though!!)
No, but seriously, I've met tonnes of really cool chicks in my time. It's a shame that it's mostly only the ones that leave scars that are remembered and discussed.. But that's another blog for another day.
For now, I just wanted to say 'Sorry'.
Aaaaaaaaand there you have it Kids!
A masterclass in how to win over chicks that hate your guts!! ..Something tells me I'll be writing quite a few more blogs like this!!
In the meantime, stay tuned for the story about how I met the latest 'perfect' chick who this time didn't have a boyfriend.. and didn't want one either! Well, not one named 'Nish' anyway.
I'm off to change my name to something that sounds white.
That was one F**ked. UP. Night!
Woke up this afternoon and just sat at the end of my bed for like twenty minutes, staring into nothingness, in a complete daze.
'Did that shit REALLY happen??'
Kids, if there's only one piece of wisdom I can impart upon you, it's this: Stay the HELL AWAY from women!!
Doesn't matter if you're a boy or a girl, just stay the hell away from them! Ok?
Now go get your uncle Nish a mix tape of Magic 105.4's greatest hits..
I got me some writings to do!
So check it out. A couple of Saturdays ago I was at one of the most awesome house parties I'd been to! The people were all cool, the location was unbelievable (Marylebone don't you know!), and I was on fine schmoozing form.
Got chatting to this German bird, Kim (I'm tempted to reveal her full name here folks, just to name and shame the biatch.. but the gentleman code forbids it.. Ah fuckit. Kim Tr**tz, arch German bitch). She was funny! Gave really good banter, which coming from a German, is doubly impressive. She weren't bad looking either.
So y'know.. anyway. We met up lastnight for a spot of partying. I know! I KNOW! ..I've got MAJOR amounts of work to do.. but.. I dunno, I'm lazy innit!
So I emerged from the tube station and turned the corner to where the club was. Kim was waiting outside.
'Bloody hell!' I thought to myself.
'She's chunkier than I remembered!'
Chunky but funky.
I could roll with that. She had a nice face and a nice pair; not the kind of bird I'd go for in a club, but she was friendly enough, and I'm really not as shallow as I sound!
So in we went!
This was one of those bar/restaurant/club dealies, so I got us a bite to eat and a few cocktails. Meanwhile the place is filling up with tonnes of talent! Pretty much every chick that walked into the joint was a looker, and definitely more my type than the girl I was busy wasting all my monies on and plying with alcohol!
But what can you do?
Just dump the person you're with and go chasing someone else??
That's not how I roll man.
Gentleman 'til the day I die. Sadly.
So after she was sufficiently wined & dined, we made our way to the dancefloor.
She was still friendly enough, and we were having a pretty alright time, but she was keeping her distance.
Every time I moved in, she kinda seemed put off. Something wasn't quite right; this not what usually happens...
Now I'm the kind of guy that's first on the dancefloor and the last one off it. I can do this sober as a mother trucker too, but I know that 99% of folk don't roll like this. Especially pasty mother truckers. A lot of them need to be 'rat-arsed' (that's excessively inebriated to you and I) before they can boogie and have a good time.
More alcohol was consumed.
Meanwhile my credit card was close to breaking!
Still, she kept her distance.
She went for a smoke, so I tagged along. We chatted. Now, I don't normally go for chicks that smoke unless they are absolute stunners. This chick wasn't, AND she wasn't wearing her 'I'm a smoker' tag when we met, so how was I to know?! The inconsiderate cow!
She starts unloading her baggage.
About how she got married last year and it didn't work out, and that's why she was reluctant to get close, etc. etc. etc.Jeeeezus JONES!
Now I'm the first to admit that I'm not the most sensitive heart throb on the block, so after I jokingly cussed her about it for a bit, I genuinely tried to make her feel better and be all supportive of the fact that most guys are arse-holes, etc. etc. etc.
We're not by the way.
I was just agreeing with her to make her feel better.. for all the good it was about to do me.
So I figured, ok, she's a divorcee. $hit happens. Who am I to judge? She was still in her mid-twenties so it wasn't like it was the end of the world.
Only.. she wasn't a divorcee...
She was STILL MARRIED!!!
Her wedding ring was in her handbag!!
Now what the hell was I gonna do??
She seemed vulnerable, and I couldn't exactly bail on her; the rejection from a stud like me might send her over the edge! Girls are far too soft and sensitive (pff. Yeah right?!). Must tread carefully.. If there's ever a next time, I'm gonna handle it with all the finesse of a sledge hammer!!
So we're back in the club.
I figure we may as well have a good time.
Yet more alcohol.
This chick drinks like a sober Irishman (or a Sikh guy at an Indian wedding for the more multi-cultured amongst you!).
We sit, we chat.. we snog.
Fuuuck! I know man! ..I NEVER step on another man's toes when it comes to chicks. EVER. Bro's before ho's ALWAYS!
But it just happened.
Meanwhile she's getting ideas in her head.
Telling me about how she's reading '50 shades of Grey' (which chick isn't these days??) and how her ideal man is this Christian Grey character, 'cos he's 'a dominant' (what the f**k you on about bitch?? Do I look like I'm into S&M??). I really gotta check that book out; see what every girl's idea of what the ideal man is.. Although I've heard this 'Christian Grey' character is like a bajillionaire.. which kinda says it all really. She starts telling me about how the sex in the book is 'fantastic'! Etc. etc.
..And then, she tells me she's a bad girl.
At this point my spider-sense should've been ringing like the bells of Notre Dame, but instead I was thinking 'Hmm. Ok... This could be easy.'
Now, I've met more than my fair share of 'bad girls' but every last one of them was convinced that she was actually a 'good girl'. That's the thing about chicks, they're certain that every other chick out there is a complete and utter slut, whereas they're the only decent one left. This was the first chick I'd met that thought the opposite. She thought compared to her, every other girl was like a nun!
'How many guys does a girl have to sleep with before you think she's a slut?' She asks. 'Er.. I dunno. I know most girls lie and say a number between four and eight, because they know that deep down, every guy wants a girl that hasn't slept around... but you don't tell me yours and I won't tell me you mine.'
I'm old school in these matters. I don't discuss my sex life, ever. I DO, however, discuss my no-sex life endlessly!!
'The worst mistake I ever made, aside from getting married, was telling my husband the truth about the number of guys I've slept with.'
Earlier she told me that her husband hadn't cheated on her, but was verbally abusive. Not making excuses, but being married to 'ho can do that to a guy.
This chick wanted it, and she wanted it on some next kinky level too.
'Another drink?' She asked.
About time it was her round.
I sat there, watching her at the bar.
Another guy tries his luck, seeing her at the bar by herself. Standard. Girls get chatted up everywhere, especially good looking ones. If that shit threatens you, you got no business hanging around pretty chicks. Besides, I'm not the possessive type. If you wanna hang with me, cool, if not, you're free to walk. I don't ever want to have to coerce a chick to be with me, or have to get angry about holding on to them.. but sometimes, that's what they want. Remember that time that chick took me out and then invited her boyfriend along, just to make him jealous?? (If not, read about it here!)
So I'm chilling.
On the table next to me is an old bird and a young chick. Could be mother and daughter out partying together...
Turns the old bird is the mother of the other chick's boyfriend.
Anyway we get chatting. You gotta trust a mother's instinct; they can sniff out a bitch from a mile away.
'What you doin' with a girl like that?' Asks the mum.
'What do you mean?' I inquire.
'Look how long she's spending talking to that other guy at the bar.'
'That's not even the worst of it. She's married too.' I laughed.
'Listen. You're a good looking guy, and I can tell you're nice too. What you wanna get mixed up with a married woman for? She's not loyal to her husband, you think she's gonna be loyal to you?'
'Real talk.' I said and shook her hand.
'Yeah, go find yourself a good girl!' Says the younger of the two.
'Anyway, she's gone off with that other guy now.' Says the Mum.
I turn around and both Kim and her new male accomplice have disappeared.
'Now before you start judging a girl's morals, you wanna look at your own.' Chides the mum.
'How you mean?'
'What you doin' with a married woman?'
'I didn't know she was married!! I just found out!' I pleaded in my defence.
'Yeah, but what did you do when you found out? You still kissed her right?'
I shook my head in disappointment at myself and laughed.
'You just wanted some easy sex!' laughed the young chick.
I shook both their hands and left. If I'm not getting the smack down laid on me by my own mum, it's getting laid on me by someone else's!!
I should've just called it a day as soon as I found out she was married. Screw all the money I'd spent wining and dining her; the whole thing was a write off anyway.
I walked off and turned the corner, and there in one of those booths was Kim, with her legs wrapped around the other guy's waist, eating his face off.
Now, no man likes to be made a fool of, least of all a great man like me. Blood boiled, temper's flared. I walked up to the guy.
I interrupted their snog-athon. Looked at Kim and said 'Thanks!' and then tapped the guy on the shoulder.
'You got yourself a real fucking slut there man. Well done!'
I shook his hand; he seemed pleased with himself.
I walked away and that was the last I saw of them.
Jeez, that was a close call! I almost became the kind of guy I despise!
Upon reflection, I feel like my soul was saved by divine intervention. I've never been the sleazy kind, and my personal integrity is my most prized possession. How could I possibly look down my nose at everyone else if I became just another sleazebag??
As it stands, I've still never done the dirty on anyone, despite having been cheated on myself. That's gotta count for something right??
Anyway, back to the club.
I couldn't bring myself to just dump the person I was with for someone else. Kim, and I imagine most women, had absolutely no qualms about doing just that to me, however.
I got lucky though.
Sure, it was an expensive night, but money comes and money goes. What price can you put on your decency or your time?
I mean, I only wasted a few hours on this bitch... think of her husband??
That poor bastard wasted five or six years of his life!!
..I'd say I got off pretty damn lightly in the grand scheme of things!
Not that I felt that way at the time!
Ego was bruised man.. ego was bruised.
To be dumped in the midst of date for another guy?
Ouch man.. and just when I thought I'd seen it all when it came to disastrous dates too!!
I shudder to think what else awaits??
But that's the beauty of life too. I love the fact that you can never predict how things will go. What began as a substandard night out with a chunky chick ended up being a night I will never forget.. for all the wrong reasons!!
So it was like, 1:45am when all that shit went down in the club.
I have one rule when it comes to pulling chicks: go for what you want, not what you can get. By now the place was rammed, and all the good looking chicks had been taken.
How could I possibly salvage this disaster of a night and still emerge with my head held high??
Fact is, I couldn't. Not in any way that made me feel less like a bag of shit.
I danced with a few chicks, got some other chick's number. Big deal. We we're in a club, that's the whole reason most people are there.
I was the victim in all this, and yet I was the one made to feel like crap. Dumped on by another bitch in a seemingly endless supply of them.
It's true what the T-Shirt says:
'Good Girl's go to Heaven. Bad Girl's go to London.'
I sat on the nightbus home in complete silence (usually I'm nattering away with the rest of the nutters!), got home, ate and then sat at my computer.
First thing I did was unfriend and block the hell out of Kim on Facebook. Then I started writing...
I wrote the most melancholy blog ever!
I set the record straight on the female of the species, and how they are more like the evil queen than the virtuous princess in Disney fairytales. (Check out more of my disastrous stories with chicks by clicking here if you haven't read them before)
I poured my heart out on how much I've been wronged by the world and pondered whether it was all my fault in the first place. Was I the author of my own destruction? Paying the price for being too nice. Should I abandon all hope and become the kind of bastard that can handle the kind of chicks that exist in this messed up world?
It was completely different to what you've just read, and like so many of my blogs, will remain unpublished... until I become a dried-up has been, at which point I'll sell it to the tabloids in a last ditch desperate attempt to be noticed!!
..What d'ya mean I'm already a dried-up has been??
So there you have it kids!
The story of how your dear old uncle Nish won the High School Basketball championships WITHOUT using his werewolf powers!
..Oh no wait, I'll save that story for another day.
This was that other classic story: boy meets girl, girl is a bitch. Oh yes, that old yarn!
Think we need a new ending though.. getting a liiiiiittle bit tired of the old one.
So what now??
Give up the chase? Become a bastard? ...Turn gay?
Answers on a postcard to the usual address please.
Meanwhile I got a deadline hangin' over my head and a short film to start!!
...Just as soon as I text this other chick I met last night.
See you in London bitches!!!
..Nah, I'm kidding. Think I've had enough of their kind to last me two lifetimes!
Time to up sticks and move outta this town!!
Hollywood seems like a town full of good girls..