The sun is out, in force. So are the people.
Everyone making the most of this rare treat in an otherwise temperamental climate (to say the least!).
I'm at home.
Sweating in the loft (my room) as the heat reaches stifling proportions.
I should be out.
On a day like this, there's no excuse.
But a part of me wants to wallow.
There's a saccharin sweetness to melancholy.. until, like eating a sickeningly rich chocolate fudge cake with ice cream, it all becomes too much, and you feel like throwing up!
But for the moment, I'll indulge myself.
I took every right turn in my life and still ended up lost on a road to nowhere.. or so it seems.
'Follow your passions!' they said.
'Money doesn't make you happy' they said.
'Love is all you need' they said.
They say a lot.
I'm confident I'll get to where I'm going, but there are times, times like now, when I just..
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Know what I mean?
Feels like no matter what I do, I always end up back here, at square one.
Like I'm chained to an anchor called 'Hopes and Dreams' that for the life of me, I CANNOT break free of, meanwhile the sky is full of people soaring and flying high.
I want to fly too, but I cling to my stubborn aspirations. Taking one step forward and ending up two steps back. Such is life when following your passions, especially in the creative arts.
All the while the clock is forever ticking, and with every passing second, my dream of that 'happily ever after' dies a little...
Not that I'm morose or anything.. Hell NO!!
But seriously kids, when you grow up, become a doctor or a lawyer, or best of all, a rich kid with a trust fund!
Truth is, however, it's not my creative endeavours that have left me in this state, but more the affairs of the heart..
It's always the way!!
I promised not to discuss my private life any more, especially after all the misinterpretations of my previous (now deceased) blog, so I'll say no more, other than it's a return to the status-quo.
Struggling filmmaker in his mid-thirties without a penny to his name and a car-crash of a love life!
Let the good times roll!!
I mean, I'm a good-time geezer, always up for a laugh, but...
It was the same story five years ago.
It was the same story ten years ago.
..and 15 years ago too.
Always the same story.
I won't go into details. You know how it goes. And if you don't, well, then aren't you the lucky one!
Seriously though, buy my book.
That's right folks! I have lead you down this path so I can peddle you my wares like some crafty con man!!
See, ten years ago, I was fed up of my lot in life.
I'd had enough of chasing that filmmaking dream to no avail.
I was sick of never having enough money to be 'big pimpin' like the rap-stars of the age, and not having the bitches that came with them!
I was sick and tired of always being sick and tired! (It's a song by Anastasia. Google it.. I think there are some Indian lyrics in there somewhere..)
So I did what any creative person worth their salt would do!
No, I didn't get a regular job , although in retrospect.. that's probably what I should have done!
No, I figured, I'll take a break from the cut throat closed-circle world of the shitty British film industry, and try my hand at the cut throat closed-circle world of the shitty British publishing industry instead!!
I took my sweet time and wrote and illustrated a children's book.
When it was finally finished (I'm skipping over a LONG time here), I sent it to agents and publishers and waited..
I told myself I wouldn't accept their first offer, no matter how lucrative! After-all, this thing had legs. I could make a further fortune by selling the rights to TV to make a kid's TV series.. and then there were the toys and clothes..
Shit, why didn't I think of doing this before?
Forget about trying to find people to fund my movies, I could fund them myself!!
Only, the agents and publishers were taking a worrying amount of time getting back to me...
No matter, I'll begin to prepare myself for my triumphant return to the world of screenwriting. YAY!
The months passed.. and then finally a response!
And then another response!
And soon they were all in!!
Rejection upon rejection littered my desk.
No takers whatsoever!!
Ricky Gervais had just had a best-seller with his crappy flanimals book, and here was my mini masterpiece getting turfed all over town?!!
What the hell is wrong with the universe??!!
Screw them, I thought, my fortunes have always lied state-side anyway!
Americans, the great hope for penniless artists everywhere!
They have just the right amount of ignorance to take a shot at anyone (no pun intended)!
So I researched the agents and publishers and spent my hard saved pennies on sending my book across the pond.
You know how this story goes right?
Yeah, J.K. Rowling it aint.
These publishing and agenting folk don't ever provide you with a reason why they don't like your work, they just send it back to you with a note that pretty much says 'thanks, but no thanks'.
So I diverted yet more funds from my weekend partying missions, and paid for some detailed feedback.
That was the best investment I'd made.
I discovered that these publishing types were motivated only by market forces (yes.. I was a pretty dumb, nay, naïve twenty something!).
80% of the market for children's books aren't actually parents looking for some cool shit to read to their kids, but schools and libraries looking to educate them fools!
Who'da thunk it??!
So armed with my new insight, I went about re-writing my masterpiece and set about that same process of preparing manuscripts, mailing then out and awaiting responses...
If you read the first part of this blog entry, you know how the story ends.
Back to square one.
My brief hiatus from the world of film turned into yet another titanic struggle of me versus the powers that be...
Only now, years had been lost and although a little wiser, I realised that no matter what industry you're in, the struggle to find success is the same.
You're better off sticking to one industry, one pursuit, and enduring through the trials and tribulations that follow until you reach your goal...
No matter how long it takes.
So yes, I'm in my mid-thirties and I'm STILL at square one, and yes, heart rending, frustrating and painful as that is, I will keep going, chasing and fighting to reach that 'happily ever after'.
Somewhere out there is the audience for my work, the girl that will be my life-long companion and the friends that will help me on my way.
If they don't find me, I will find them; therein lies the adventure!
Meanwhile, the years have loosened the stranglehold of the publishing giants and thanks to modern technology, I can at long last publish my children's book!
If you don't have a Kindle, download the app here.
Then click on the picture below, buy my book and leave a review (5-Stars only please!! Haha).
Here's to happy endings.