He's trying to do good for once in his life, after a lifetime of doing bad. He finds that naïve (some might say stupid) girl that's willing to take a chance on him, even though she and everyone else knows, this guy's no good.
Just when he thinks he's turned the corner and is on the road to happily ever after.. BOOM! There's that one guy from his past that's there to collect on a debt and thoroughly fcuk shit up.
The girl pays the ultimate price and the criminal realises that there's no running away from who you are. He's a bad apple. Embrace it, don't run from it.
He's gonna end up back in prison; you know it and he knows it.
But before he does, he's gonna make everyone pay.
That's how I feel.
Like that stupid girl that believes in something everyone knows is ridiculous.. and then ends up paying the ultimate price!
No matter what I do, which direction I turn or what I try, I always end up in the same spot.
Back to where I started.
Sure, I have some adventures along the way, and for the most part, it's a helluva lot of fun.
It's also demoralising as hell. It takes it out of you, y'know?
Like, how many more times can I keep picking myself up off the floor and dusting myself off to give it one more round? Each time more bruised and battered than the time before.
Each time weighed down by the knowledge that you'll probably end up back on the floor, after all, that's what's been happening so far! Naiveté and optimism will only carry you so far before the brutality of experience stops you in your tracks...
But just like that stupid girl, I keep on believing.
Just like that stupid girl, I pay the price for doing so.
So here I am once more...
A little older (HaHA), a little more wise to the game of life and a little less hair on my head!
But still heading in the same direction and fighting to keep the dream alive.
Fighting to keep that naivete and optimism alive, whilst all the while the broken heart needs mending and the empty pockets need filling.. Just more casualties picked up on the journey.
Jeezus. How many times have I used this blog as a means of picking up the pieces?
Just like my life, it seems the same chapter gets written over and over again!
Starting and ending the same way again and again. If you think you're tired of reading it, imagine how I must feel living it?!
So why do I continue?
I mean, I know I went to a shit uni, but I'm not that stupid!
I do it because, despite not really ever getting anywhere, despite always being broke and being suffocated of human interaction.. I feel that even the attempt to live life to the fullest is more of a worthwhile life than never even trying.
But I won't lie to you, it is a solitary experience, and even if you're a writer or an artist, life was never meant to be lived alone.
Just because I haven't yet achieved everything all my peers have (good jobs, houses, life partners, kids and a prosperous future!), doesn't mean I don't want to.
Yes, the attempt is rewarding, but it doesn't diminish my desire to succeed!
I just feel that maybe this isn't the place to do it is all...
So let me bring in another character from a movie to illustrate my point.
Young Luke dreams of adventure and romance, fighting against the evil Empire and swashbuckling across the galaxy.. the problem is, he's stuck working on his uncle's farm in the farthest reaches of nowhere, and his uncle has no plans of letting him leave. He needs him too much on the farm.
One day fate intervenes and lo and behold adventure comes knocking on Luke's door! He can join old Ben Kenobi on some damned-fool idealistic crusade to rescue a princess.. or he can stay on his farm with his uncle for the rest of his life!
Poor Luke chooses to be responsible and stay on his uncle's farm.
But fate has made up its mind and intervenes once more on Luke's behalf.
Luke's aunt and uncle are massacred and burnt to smithereens!
Now Luke can again choose to stay and look after the farm, taking over from his uncle... OR, he can choose to go with Ben Kenobi and have the best damned adventure of his life!!!
If you don't know how that story ends, then you REALLY need to crawl out of that cave you've been living in for the past 38 years and go and watch Star Wars.
Anyway, I kind of feel like the Luke Skywalker that chose to stay on the farm and missed out on the adventure... missed out on being the saviour of the galaxy and never became the patricidal Jedi we all know and love. The guy that never realised his full potential because he never risked it all...
Sure, I've risked more than most perhaps, but I haven't fully left my comfort zone. I haven't risked it ALL.
I still yearn for all those things I did back when I was cocky and fresh faced (and still recovering from acne!).
I'm still in London and still struggling to realise my full potential. Always ending up with the same dilemma and increasingly becoming jaded with every aspect of life in the big smoke... (that's 'London' to all you people that don't pretend to be all 'hip' 'n sh!t. ..you cool mother truckers!)
Am I the only one that feels this way?!
Don't you ever wanna throw yourself into the pit, just to see if you can make it out?
Test your limits, grow and then go and conquer EVERY aspect of life?!!
..I think you've probably already conquered the aspects of life you wanted to and are now enjoying the fruits of your labour.
Good for you man! I'll come join you for a drink when I get to your level.
But in the meantime I can still hear the faint whisper of adventure calling in the wind..
It's way past time I left this place. New horizons, new people, new friends and maybe someday when I'm ready.. a new love too.
It's been a while since I last wrote and from what I've just written, you may be fooled into thinking I've had a bad time of it.. but 2014 into 2015 was a vintage year and a half.
Yes, my career remained static and I never quite achieved the things I wanted to, but man, it will haunt me forever.. like so many other great years that I'll never forget and replay in my mind over and over, until the tape wears thin and the images and feelings are far from pristine.
One day all I may remember is that it was a good year, but I won't be able to tell you why...
Kind of like now.
As you know, I no longer discuss my private life on the internets, which may leave you asking what the hell you've just been reading all this time, but it's true, I leave that to others.
The fact that they don't discuss my private life either just proves the strength of my legal team... and the fact that I'm still a nobody. But we'll ignore that last part; it kinda ruins the story.
So check it out!
Last summer I made this short film that I was really proud of. Everyone involved did their best work! So I thought, lets push this thing as far as we can take it. I cajoled myself further into debt and spent a couple hundred quid entering a tonne of film festivals around the world! All the major ones, Sundance, Tribeca, SXSW, etc. etc. and loads of smaller ones I've never heard of. My strategy was the same as always: I didn't have one.
I just sent it far and wide and then hoped...
Guess what happened?
If you can't guess, then you obviously haven't been reading this chapter very carefully:
Nothing ALWAYS happens!!
But that doesn't mean we stop. We keep going and MAKE things happen!!
So I present to you that short film for the very first time!! Hopefully 'you' are some Hollywood big shot that feels like discovering some new talent. Even if you're not, that's cool, 'cos I'm not one either.. YET! Which is why we're still having this conversation! Haha!
You better believe I'll be paying someone else to write this sh!t when that time comes!!
Check out the film below and lose yourself in it...
I'll end in true Hollywood style with that improbable happy ending!
I've had the BEST time!! My eternal gratitude to all those that make it possible!!
Mine has been a truly privileged existence, and it will continue to be so..
But as I've stated like a million billion times in this chapter, I'm back to where I started.. scraping myself off the floor and getting ready to fight one more round.
One more round 'til I win.