It's like my old middle school teacher, Mrs Goodman, always used to say.
“Nothing wrong ever turns out right.”
Never was this more true than in the field of relationships and more specifically.. CRAZY-ASS BITCHES!!
It's like my radar is set to 'Bitch' or something, 'cos that's all I seem to find!
No. That's not true.
I also seem to find plenty of the 'I got a man' variety of chicks too. But as I don't dabble in chicks that are spoken for, all I'm left with are the bitches. Not that I know that when I'm 'wooing' them.. or maybe I do, but don't care.
I dunno man. I think I've got commitment issues.
I've been on a 30 day rolling contract on my mobile phone for over 5 years!! I can't commit to a long-term contract upfront.. even though I haven't cheated on my phone in all that time!!
Maybe it's because of this that I sub-consciously pursue women that I know are no good for me?
Who's the shrink in the house??
I'm onto something right??
What d'ya mean it's all about 'Mummy' issues?!
Ah, you fcukers say that about EVERYTHING!!
I won't go into specifics, because afterall, I'm still a gentleman. BUT!
As we all know, bitches be bitches, and even a man of my vast VAST experience in the field of Biatchification, can still be left nursing his wounds.. as I am now.
Kids, take it from your uncle Nish, find a good girl when you're in nursery and then just stick with her until you both kick the bucket, because being a singleton searching for something 'meaningful' when you're over the age of 12 is NOT for the faint hearted. (I overheard a 13 year old girl on the nightbus the other night talking about her 'past' ..SHOCKING! But then she was from East London, so what do you expect?!)
Okay, so here we go.
Should I really be telling this story??
I mean, I still like the chick in question.. But, then again, I do owe you, my loyal reader (you know who you are.. Mum) the benefit of my experience.. you know, so you don't repeat my mistakes (even though you've been married to Dad for like 37 years!).
Okay, so a quick disclaimer before I offend anyone. The use of the word 'Bitch' to describe bitches is purely for entertainment and comical purposes. I HONESTLY don't mean to offend anyone, least of all any bitches, I mean women.
It's a well known fact that I LOVE women. I dig 'em y'know. BIG TIME!
Some of my best mates and the people I loves to hang out with most are chicks.. and they get a good giggle out of my misadventures.. so as we're all friends here, I'll continue.
Right. So I meet this chick. STUNNING! (They always are)
But like every chick that I've ever had a good time with, she doesn't dig on me straight away.
I've danced this dance a few times, so I keep on dancing, knowing that eventually she'll dance to my tune.
I figure it's so rare for me to really like a chick these days that it's worth persevering (I won't lie to you, I still date chicks during this time, but never pursue anyone).
This stunning girl remains elusive, but we have a laugh on the text messages. She's one of the few chick's that crack me the hell up.. and she's fit as hell! So naturally, I hang in there..
Finally, out of the blue, she texts me one day and asks if I want to help her get drunk.
Now come on. We're none of us school kids anymore. I instantly know what this is about. A chick that's been dodging you for months suddenly wants to meet up??
Er.. it's 'I need to forget about my ex' time!!
Fine by me!
I go in, eyes wide open.
Low and behold, her ex just happens to be at the bar we end up in!
Don't worry kids, we put on a good show for him.
Meanwhile, this chick is being all touchy feely with another of her male friends. Fcuk it. She's not my girlfriend, even though she's using me like she is, and even though I'd like it if she was.
She gets in a cab with her male friend. I ask her to text me when she gets home. She agrees. Meanwhile my broke-ass has to brave the elements and get the nightbus! (That's why you never let your kids go into the arts! Because they always end up broke and trampled on by women!!)
So, about 3 hours later, she texts me to say she got home.
What was she doing during that time kids?
No prizes for guessing...
I didn't care.
She wasn't my girlfriend and it's not like I had any illusions of her being 'the one'.
So even though EVERY instinct in my soul was telling me to forget about this chick and concentrate on finding 'the one' (I'm a born romantic, I believe in 'the one', what can I say?) I won't lie to you, another part of me was thinking 'promiscuous girl?? EXCELLENT!'
So I continued trying to get her to come out with me.
Dick head that I am, literally.
Now what was it that Mrs Goodman always used to say?
'Nothing wrong ever turns out right.'
So here I am, feeling all crappy.
I met up with this chick again, and told her how I felt (as if she didn't know?!).
And.. she turfed my ass!!
I mean, being rejected by a girl that's done the rounds?
It's like, any guy will do, just not you!
Hahahaha.. haha... ha.
I'm thankful though.
I wouldn't want to fall for a girl like that and then spend the rest of my life nursing even bigger wounds. Been there. Done that. Still got the T-Shirt.
It's weird though, the difference between what girl's think and what guys think.
Let me break it down:
A chick snogs a guy's face off. The guy naturally thinks 'I'm in there!'
He reckons he's bagged himself a girl he can at the very least take on a date.
(I'm talking in theory here. It's not like I've dated every chick I've snogged! Sheesh, what do you think? I'm made of money?? But I know I could have dated them, if I bothered asking!)
But, now this has happened to me SOOOOooooo many times! Afterwards, after we've shared these 'intimate' or 'romantic' moments, the girl turns around to me and says 'but we're just friends'.
It's like.. WTF??!!!
So in a girl's mind it's acceptable for them to snog all their male friends and then still be in the 'friend zone'?
I've got tonnes of chick friends.. am I therefore wrong in thinking that I could happily snog each one and then still remain 'just friends'??
'Cos if that's the case, I got me some snogging to do!!!
Or maybe I'm just too old school.
I thought the days of me being that guy that wines, dines and then snogs a chick, only to be told afterwards that we're 'just friends', were over.
One thing's for sure though, I'm getting too old for that shit.
Money comes and goes, but time, time only goes in one direction, and my time is running out.
I need to find me a chick worthy of my time.
Does this mean I'll finally sign up to online dating and stop hitting the bars and clubs??
'The definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.'
Come find me at the bar and club every Thursday, Friday and Saturday bitches.
I'm waiting for ya!
In the meantime, I need to sort my fcuking life out!!