You know, I really shouldn't write. Not when I'm feeling like this.
I decided that I would no longer talk about my relationship status, or my so called 'search for Love', because I just come off looking like a loser, and as confessional as I am in these blogs, I would like to maintain some semblance of dignity & privacy in my life.
I want the world to see me in a positive light, so why do I spend all my time painting myself as some kind of lazy pathetic love-less dreamer?
Good point. I should just stop right?
I especially shouldn't write when I'm feeling particularly down about myself... But these are the most interesting parts of the journey. No one cares about the 'Happily Ever After' ending; it's the 'trials & tribulations' that are the meat of the story.
So here goes. Laugh, feel pity, mock, whatever. Even after you read what follows, you still won't know me, nor I you.
Actually, I've changed my mind. I'll write about this day, but I'll do it in my personal journal. Some things are better left private.
If I don't want the world to think of me as some pathetic 'victim' then I'd better keep that $hit to myself.
If I want the world to view me in a positive light, then I'd better share my positivity; and if I'm lacking in that department right now, I'd better get cracking on creating some positivity, instead of wallowing and feeling sorry for myself.. even if I have been screwed over by practically EVERY chick I ever gave a damn about!
It's not good, but I'm a big boy. I can take it. And despite always being made to feel like a chump, I'm still 'Mr Nice Guy'. I don't want to believe that the only way of coping with all the cold hearted chicks out there is by becoming a bastard myself.
Play or be played? That's exactly how it is... in my experience. But as I'm always fond of saying, 'You can either let the world change you, or you can change the world'.
Am I as deluded about the dating game as I seem to be about my career prospects? Am I just plain old fashioned deluded?
If anything, I've now got tonnes more material with which to make my friends laugh. I'm quite the raconteur, and all these tragic experiences just add to my hilarious routine. My friends will get a good kick out of this. Again.
Before everyone gets their knickers in a twist, let me be clear. I'm not hating on women. I'm just discussing the fact that I've never been involved with a good one. I want to believe that she's out there, this mythical creature, because I know they do exist. My sisters are the best damn girls you're ever likely to meet! My brothers & friends are married or partnered up with great women too. So they are out there.. They just seem to be avoiding my ass!! (They must be smart.. or smarter than the chicks I usually end up with!)
On the bright side, I've yet to meet a chick that's stolen my heart. Maybe that's part of the problem. I've met so many 'wrongs' that when it comes to believing in someone that's 'right', I'm on the wrong side of cynical.
Don't worry, I'll dust myself off and try again. Hell, that's the best part! :)
Hey kids, do me a favour? Go to my Facebook page or Twitter & share this image!! Thanks! ;)
Dammit! Not the best way to start the first blog of the year, but you just knew that would be the case. Check it out, it's Friday night, I'm at home, and I'm STILL dying of this damn flu that seized hold of my body on Christmas morning! The damn thing keeps mutating so just when I think I'm winning the battle, the next morning I wake up feeling worse!! ..I think it's a metaphor for life or something. 2012, we both know I had BIG plans for you man, but so far, you're not reading the script!! It's called 'professionalism'! Look it up!! So how's 2012 shaping up for you guys? ..Yeah yeah, I didn't ask for your life story! Convalescing as I have been these past two weeks, laying on the edge of the great abyss for the umpteenth time, I have pondered my life (read my blog about being a 'Hamlet' for the reasons why I ponder). Just like you, I have clung to hope, despite the pessimism that pervades the airwaves. Not just hope, but determination. This is it. This is the year it all FINALLY happens. Why this year? Because this is the year I cut the crap and MAKE it happen! No more excuses, no more idle fantasies; no more wishing on a star. It's all about stepping up and taking action! Breaking bad habits and forming good ones. I'm tired. Tired of being the 'special needs' case in my circle. Tired of being the screw up; the one that's good for a laugh and nothing else.. That jolly tramp that makes you laugh with his hysterical tales of a broken life; belying the tragic truth he won't discuss and you don't want to hear. Okay, it's not yet as bad as that, but who's to say it won't be. It's crunch time. Again. Just like it is every January. A few nights ago I flicked through my diary (no, not the 'Anne Frank' kind; the scheduling of my life kind!) to see what I was doing in January 2011. I was dismayed at what I read, and had trouble sleeping the rest of the night. My life was EXACTLY the same as it is now! I had a flu virus that I couldn't seem to shift.. I was writing a script I had been working on for Aaages (the same one I'm still working on now!!) and I had given myself 30 days to finish it (which is what I was going to do this January!).. I was broke and in desperate need of cash to keep my debts afloat.. my relationship status was the same, as were ALL my hopes and dreams for the year ahead!! Getting in shape, launching my career into the Big Time, finally being in the black.. Maybe even finding Love.. 2011 was going to be the year! MY year!! So what the F**K happened??!! Don't get me wrong, 2011 was great! Some dark times for sure, but on the whole, damn good! But here I am, one year closer to death; my life, though thoroughly enjoyable, still falling short of where I want it to be. I pondered further still.. I spent New Years Eve at my little brother's house with the rest of the family. It was good. All my siblings were there with their partners, and I, as ever was flying solo. My brother's wife gave my parent's a special custom made calendar as a gift for the New Year. Each month had family photo's to go with it. Photo's mostly from the past few years; all the engagement parties & the weddings that followed. There were all my siblings, all looking beautiful and happy, standing with their partners, making my parents proud. My parents have done very well; working hard their entire lives and raising such successful kids.. well almost. My sister was the first to get married, way back in 2008. Her wedding was a grand affair, and at the family table sat my elder brother with his future wife, my younger brother with his future wife.. and me... with some of my friends. My younger sister sat at the head table, but her future husband was also there that night.. I was ever the awkward single one. The one who avoided conversations about what his job was, and what he was doing with his life. The one that diverted the conversation away from himself with hilarious bursts of humour, often self-deprecating, to distract from the embarrassing joke that my life was and still is. In the years 'til now, both my brothers hove gotten married and my little sister engaged. At their weddings the scenario was exactly the same. To compensate for my lack of a 'plus one' my family allocated me a generous helping of friends, all too aware that on these joyous family occasions, I may feel a little out of place. I still crack up when I remember my sister giving her husband evil's when he asked me why I was still single, as if he'd raised a forbidden, highly sensitive subject! As I looked at all these photo's that made up the past weddings, not only did I notice that in every photo I was by myself, whilst everyone else stood with their partners, but I also noticed my clothes! I'd been rinsing the same two suits for EVERY damn occasion!! Sure, I made it look good, but I've been penniless & struggling for longer than some of you have been alive (I have a small following amongst the pre-teens!), and it showed! This year is the final wedding amongst my siblings.. and maybe even the final wedding in our family (please don't be foolish enough to hold out hope for the likes of me), and I want some different pictures of myself! At the very least I want to be wearing different clothes! I don't want to be sweating over every little expenditure, or feel like I need to divert every conversation away from myself. I don't want to dodge questions about my lack of a livelihood & matrimonial chances.. Who knows, maybe for the first time at these weddings, I won't be the odd singleton ruining the symmetry of every family photo. Sigh. But if that's going to be the case, EVERYTHING needs to happen, and everything needs to change... That's been the case EVERY year.. who's to say this year will be any different form the years that went before it? I mean every year starts out with the same hopes, the same intentions... the same dogged determination. What's the magic ingredient that this year contains that the others didn't? Oh yeah, that's right. The wisdom of experience. One of the few things in life that gives 'age' an advantage over 'youth'. I want it ALL, and I don't want to settle for less. Maybe that's the problem. Too much ambition. Right now I'm so far below living a 'normal' life that to be average would be a major improvement. That being the case, shouldn't I just aim for average, instead of aiming for the stars? Concentrate on getting any kind of job, instead of the best & most difficult job in the world ('Hollywood film director' for those of you not keeping up)? Should I just settle for any girl crazy enough to like me, instead of relentlessly searching for what I think is the perfect girl? Shouldn't I just chase money, instead of doing whatever I feel like doing.. and then not being able to do whatever I feel like because of a lack of money? (re-read it if you have to) Anyone remember the story of Icarus? Not happy with just flying to his freedom (which in itself would please most people), he ignored his father's warnings and soared ever higher towards the sun.. and we all know how that ended (Google it if ya don't!). Too much ambition can often be a man's downfall. But why the hell does that concern me?! I'm talking about having too much ambition when I haven't even got my foot on the ladder! The point is, should I just have modest goals? Or even a single modest goal? When you've achieved nothing, having more than one goal is itself a little ambitious... Or do I carry on as I am. Wanting it ALL, and making tiny steps in all directions... or in other words, going nowhere. Now the logical amongst you (er, for a start, what are you even doing here? This is a place for dreamers thank you very much!), will suggest I set myself a modest goal, achieve it, and then move on. Bah! I say to thee! When the hell has a modest goal ever inspired anyone to do anything?! Yes, we get one shot at life, so I'm going to spend my life aiming to be mediocre. How long have you been reading this blog? You must know me better than that by now?! Surely there's more glory to be had in soaring towards the sun and falling to your death than from a lifetime walking on the ground sheltering from it?! So here's what we're gonna do; we're gonna keep the past in mind, so we don't repeat those same mistakes.. but we're also going to step up. Honestly, I could walk away from it all. Walk away from the dreams of Hollywood, of adventures around the world, of finding that one true love.. I could walk away from it all.. if I'd given it my best shot. But I've barely given it any shot at all, let alone my best! What have I done in the name of Hollywood? I haven't even written my best film, or made some damn good short films.. I haven't even been to Hollywood! What have I done in the name of adventures around the world? ..Well actually more than most things I've done in my life.. but I want MORE!! Last, but by no means least, what have I done in the search for true love? Trawled through London's finest slapper's & wenches on drunken nights out? Well, fun as it is, we all know it won't lead me to where I want to go.. And lets not even talk about money! I need to step up my game in EVERY aspect of my life. Am I just deluding myself for yet another year? Afraid to call time and get on with the true business of life; procreation and working for the man. Only one way to find out: watch this space. I'm going to make it happen; ALL of it. This year is going to be everything we want it to be.. and more than we could ever hope it would be.